Emptiness

Yeah, I am getting on with life. Things are as they should be. I am busy getting the kids to school/daycare in the mornings. Work also is pretty busy, and lunchtime with my lunch buddies are usually the highlight of the day. I will be busy picking the kids up in the evenings.

When we get home after having dinner at MIL's place, we will watch some TV before the kids go off to bed. Hubby always sleeps early too because he wakes up early to go to work. I usually have difficulty to sleep early, so I spend a few hours before bed watching Korean dramas online in our room. As much as I like watching them, I have to admit the real reason I do this is to wear myself out so that I can drop into bed and sleep straight away. But that doesn't always work. Last night, after watching 3 consecutive episodes, I felt tired but when I was on my bed trying to sleep, I started sobbing again. I miss my baby, Emily.

While driving to work too, I will think of her. When I am shopping and I see baby stuff or if I see someone's cute baby, I will think of her. When I am not occupied with something to do, thoughts of her come to me. And it still hurts in my heart and tear floods my eyes. I try looking for books form people with similar experience but they are not readily available. I looked for people who share their stories online and came to this site:

http://community.babycenter.com/groups/a6716015/down_syndrome_loss

I guess this should be normal for grieving mothers. I read that this could go on for 1 year. Yeah, I think time will make it easier but I will never feel the same. It feels like there is an emptiness inside you that cannot be filled. With time the emptiness may grow smaller but it will never fully heal and I supposed this is how it will be.

After all these happenings, I am still thankful to Our Father in Heaven. It is better to have and to lose than never to have at all. It was better that I had 5 months and 9 days of her alive with me than lesser. It was better that I had experienced all the emotions and trails, all the doubts and hardship than not having seen the kindness that exist amongst family and friends. It was better that we learn that money really didn't mean more to us than precious human life. I have a lot to be thankful for. Even for the current suffering I am going through (nice writeup on Finding God in suffering). I know it is better that I am going through it than to live life in spiritual complacency. Lord God, help me and guide me to experience Your love in every circumstance and to fully surrender to Your will.