What IFs

I still miss Emily everyday. Everyday, without fail, I think of her. Today, especially, my heart aches for her. So many What IFs came to my mind as I drive to work today. What if she was a healthy and normal little girl? She would still be here with us, just over 10 months old, what a joy she would have been to us. What would she look like? Would she have more hair or still very little?

Memories of her dying in my arms, her funeral mass, her burial played in my mind today. What if we did everything differently that day, would she be saved? If she was saved, I would be busy probably running between work and home and probably the hospital too but at least I have her here to hold and to kiss, to smell and to tickle. I would also be looking into aspects of getting early intervention for her so that she can grow up as normal as possible. Lots of worries, lots of fears, but nothing I would not handle for her.

So many What IFs but nothing is the same anymore. I want things to be different in a good way for her sake. Someone once said to me, there's nothing wrong in feeling the pain of the loss of someone you love. It's how you channel the suffering and pain that will matter. I put them all up to the Lord.

Complete...

Last Saturday we went to Emily burial site to meet the tombstone maker. He completed the construction of Emily's tombstone. Except for a little touch up required here and there, it was done well. Paid him the rest of the money and he promised to do the touch up in these few days. The grave looks pretty and I bought some pretty flowers for it too. It is now complete. We have done everything for her for her short earthly life.

Not a day passed without thoughts of her coming to my mind. When I look through some of her photos, tears well up in my eyes. I still miss her and always will.

Pray for us and with us my little Saint Emily. Keep a look out for your brothers and sister here on earth, keep them safe and healthy. May all of us spend eternity together when our earthly lives are done. Lots of love, mummy.

Holy Innocents

I have not forgotten you, Emily. I still think of you everyday. Sometimes very much. I miss you dearly. A few days ago, I dreamt of you, for the first time in the 3 months+ since you went to heaven. You came back alive and it was like a miracle since I remembered in the dream that you have died and was buried. But I was still very happy to be able to hold and smell you, it seemed so real. You were like what I remembered you but bigger :). In some strange way, I actually felt that it eased some of my longings for you.

But don't worry about mummy, because mummy is doing fine. Missing you has become part of my life and I don't mind that at all. The priest said that God sent everyone to this world for a reason and I want to believe that you came into ours to make us closer to God. I must thank God for the gift of my Emily. I am motivated to work harder to get to heaven to be with her.

When I pray now, I don't pray for her, I pray through her because she is a little angel (or rather, saint) now. My very own saint in heaven. I ask her to pray for us, to keep her brothers and sisters safe and healthy. To guide mummy and daddy to be more faithful followers of Christ, never ever to forget that we will always have you. I love you, my baby.

The tomb maker came back to us a week plus ago and showed us the inscribed marble stone for your tomb, it came out just the way I designed. They are making the structure as we speak now. So it should be completed today.

The other day, I saw a posting about Holy Innocents and I would like to end with that prayer, for all the babies and children who have died. especially for the young children killed in the shooting at Connecticut:

A Prayer To The Holy Innocents

Holy Innocents, you died before you were old enough to know what life means, pray for all children who die young that God may gather them into His loving arms.

Holy Innocents, you were killed because one man was filled with hatred, pray for those who hate that God may touch their hearts and fill them with love.

Holy Innocents, you experienced a violent death, pray for all who are affected by violence that they may find peace and love.

Holy Innocents, your parents grieved for you with deep and lasting sorrow, pray for all parents who have lost young children that God may wrap a warm blanket of comfort around them.

Holy Innocents, those around you certainly felt helpless to prevent your deaths, pray for all who feel helpless in their circumstances that they may cling to God for courage and hope.

Holy Innocents, you who are now in Heaven, pray for all of us that one day we may join you there to bask in God's love forever.

Amen.

 

Mark 10:14

We called the contact for the tombstone maker I got from a funeral house who posted their ad in the Herald. Although we had another contact, we decided to just contact one of them. We met with the tombstone maker on Saturday and after some quick discussion and negotiation, we decided the design and price on the spot. I have just sent them by email the inscription and design to be engraved on the marble display on her grave. It is a simple design with some flowers.

I still think of Emily often but it is not as painful anymore. She is already in her final and eternal destiny, she is a little Saint now. There is no reason to mourn or be sad anymore. The sadness I am feeling is more of the human kind, the ache in my heart is because of me feeling the loss of my baby from my arms. It is a selfish kind of sadness because I am only thinking about how I feel. Instead I should be happy that she is privileged to be given a passport straight to Heaven while those of us still here have to work real hard to get the same chance.

Of course it was only natural for me to feel the pain and suffering from this loss but prolonged sadness doesn't seem right. So I have decided that I will allow myself to be sad for maybe 10% of the time while the 90% of the time when I think of Emily, I should be glad and thank GOD for the gift of Emily to us. I pray that GOD will bless me, and my husband, and guide us to become better witnesses of Christ through all means, from words to deeds. My little Saint Emily, pray for us and watch over your brothers and sister.

Inscription for Emily's Grave

Lovely week...

Next Thursday is All Saints' Day and the day after that is All Souls' day. Today (Saturday), our Priest asked for help to gotong-royong (loosely translated to group cleaning-up) at the parish cemetery. So we carted the older 2 boys and my 4 year old princess to the cemetery to help out. It was a sunny morning and there was quite a good turn-out. We picked rubbish by hand into garbage bags under the hot morning sun and managed to gather quite a lot of rubbish! I am proud that my kids worked just as hard as their parents and between us 5, we picked 4 bags of them.

Sometimes, I feel slightly guilty and even a little hypocritical that we only come to help in the cemetery after we have a loved-one buried there. But I won't beat myself over this. It never occurred to me to participate in such activities before. Time was always the factor, or rather the lack of it. Actually, it was more an excuse. We have one hour to spend in front of the TV or on Facebook and we have none to spare for something more significant? I want to say I will never make this an excuse anymore but I know I am 'weak' and sometimes lazy, so I will say this: I will try and try to make time for anything and anyone in need.

At the cemetery, we saw some men building tombstone on a grave and I asked my hubby to get their contact. We will be putting up one for Emily's grave soon. I did some searching online for nice designs but hubby would like something simple. We'll see what the tombstone maker has to offer.

As a matter of coincidence, I read a Facebook post by my aunt a minute ago. It was a video about Pearl Joy Brown, a miracle baby. Of course, being the mushy type, I cried seeing the video. I also found her blog. But get some tissues because you will be moved to tears. What great courage and what a beautiful life that they are holding in their arms.

I miss you, Emily.

Oh yeah, I have nice news. We have been asked to be godparents to a beautiful baby boy named Alexander Tan who is almost 3 months old. We met him and his parents for the first time last week during our Rosary prayers at their house. His mother, an Indonesian (his dad is a Sarawakian Chinese), was busy being the host so I offered to hold the baby and ended up holding him the whole evening, GLADLY. He was such a happy baby and I was able to make him smile a lot. After awhile, I even made him sleep in my arms. He never wimped or cried one bit! It was such a joy to hold him, it does help ease a little of my pining for Emily. Alexander has yet to be baptised, so some of the BEC members suggested for us to be his godparents. I immediately said yes and I am very very happy, :). I think Alexander will be baptised in November, I can't wait to see him again.

Oh yes, we will be praying for baby Pearl Joy and her family. We have also been praying for a lady reader of my blog and her son who will be undergoing heart surgery in November. I am sold about prayers and I hope all of you are too. Pray lots and pray hard. GOD loves us all! Amen.

Emptiness

Yeah, I am getting on with life. Things are as they should be. I am busy getting the kids to school/daycare in the mornings. Work also is pretty busy, and lunchtime with my lunch buddies are usually the highlight of the day. I will be busy picking the kids up in the evenings.

When we get home after having dinner at MIL's place, we will watch some TV before the kids go off to bed. Hubby always sleeps early too because he wakes up early to go to work. I usually have difficulty to sleep early, so I spend a few hours before bed watching Korean dramas online in our room. As much as I like watching them, I have to admit the real reason I do this is to wear myself out so that I can drop into bed and sleep straight away. But that doesn't always work. Last night, after watching 3 consecutive episodes, I felt tired but when I was on my bed trying to sleep, I started sobbing again. I miss my baby, Emily.

While driving to work too, I will think of her. When I am shopping and I see baby stuff or if I see someone's cute baby, I will think of her. When I am not occupied with something to do, thoughts of her come to me. And it still hurts in my heart and tear floods my eyes. I try looking for books form people with similar experience but they are not readily available. I looked for people who share their stories online and came to this site:

http://community.babycenter.com/groups/a6716015/down_syndrome_loss

I guess this should be normal for grieving mothers. I read that this could go on for 1 year. Yeah, I think time will make it easier but I will never feel the same. It feels like there is an emptiness inside you that cannot be filled. With time the emptiness may grow smaller but it will never fully heal and I supposed this is how it will be.

After all these happenings, I am still thankful to Our Father in Heaven. It is better to have and to lose than never to have at all. It was better that I had 5 months and 9 days of her alive with me than lesser. It was better that I had experienced all the emotions and trails, all the doubts and hardship than not having seen the kindness that exist amongst family and friends. It was better that we learn that money really didn't mean more to us than precious human life. I have a lot to be thankful for. Even for the current suffering I am going through (nice writeup on Finding God in suffering). I know it is better that I am going through it than to live life in spiritual complacency. Lord God, help me and guide me to experience Your love in every circumstance and to fully surrender to Your will.

Getting On...

Pretty flowers...

I bought some pretty purple and pink flowers for Emily's grave on the morning of the 40th day of her passing, on Wednesday.  Took half day off to prepare food for our BEC members who came to our house for rosary prayers for the day too. The days are getting on fine for all of us. I have a lot more free time now. I even started piano lessons, something which I have been meaning to do for awhile. We have plenty of things to do in the house which we will be doing little by little every weekend.

I still miss her often but it's not too hard now. Sometimes I wonder why God gave Emily to us only to take her away so quickly. But that's how God works, we can never really understand it with our limited capacity. Someone said to me, I still have 3 kids that need my attention. That may be true, but I still miss having a young baby. Even before Emily's passing, I had this thought of adopting a baby and my husband agreed too. So if the opportunity comes and a baby is in need of a family, we are opened to it.

I want to change because I had Emily in my life, I want to get more involved in anything that I can help out. Whether it's for charity or for Church. Next time, when there is a call for volunteers for a cause that I feel strongly about, I will take a step forward and offer my help. So I pray to our Heavenly Father, take me and guide me to do Your work. Amen.