It's True...

1st May, 2012: I got some sleep last night, not much but still felt today is a brand new day! I think I can digest the news or rather the dreaded fact that I have been hoping was not true. Emily has Down's Syndrome.  Many prayers had been prayed, asking for a miracle so that my Emily will not have the syndrome and is as normal as her brothers and sister. But alas, our prayers were not answered. God must have a better plan for us. That's why HE gave us this gift, the gift of Emily. I may not know now the real extent of what this gift will mean to me, to the rest of the family and extended families. But I know God has His reasons and I truly believe it will be very good reasons which we do not know yet.

I have been thinking about the start of this whole journey. From her conception, some how I knew. I have been given many signs but I still tried to avoid worrying when it wasn't fact yet. I know at my age, the risk of having a Down's baby was pretty high. We have in fact been avoiding pregnancy for years now since my 3rd baby. But by one irregular period and therefore miscalculation, I ended up pregnant for the 4th time. I immediately got worried and read up a lot about Down's. I even read about other genetic disorders which some of them were even more serious than Down's. But I keep pushing this aside and tried to get on with life as usual. As I did that, I felt that I did not have a connection with the baby in my womb. Somehow, I did not relate to this baby like I did with my earlier pregnancies. I felt guilty at times for feeling that way.

At 20 weeks, the gynae told me of the risk and asked if I wanted a blood test. Hubby and I thought about it and both of us did not think it necessary cause there is nothing we can do about it even if we knew. I rather know later than earlier. Later on, my ex-classmate added me on Facebook and I saw she has a daughter who has Down's. That again triggered my worry about my Emily. Then many times in Church when I see families with disabled children and I admired them for their strength in dealing with the difficulties. I wonder how they do it. 

When Emily was born unexpectedly at about 5 weeks earlier than the due date, I noticed her eyes were a little different from the rest of her siblings. I asked my hubby if he thought there was anything different and he said no. So I brushed aside the inkling feeling again.  Finally, one paed told us her suspicion, when Emily was treated for jaundice at 9 days old. We were both worried sick and got more devastated as we find more characteristics on her that indicates she has Down's. It has been awhile since I saw my hubby shed tears, and I was crying quite a great deal too. We opted to go home without doing any test after Emily completed her phototherapy. 

We hoped against hope, prayed more fervently, talked to the priest for guidance and blessings. Finally, after thinking long and hard, I decide to refer this suspicion to the government clinic when we followed up on her prolonged jaundice.  We ended up in a hospital ward since and she has also been diagnosed with congenital heart prob which requires corrective surgery. This will be the 1st ordeal and a major problem that we need to resolve. There will be other health and learning issues, related to her condition, to come. I have been staying in the ward with her for coming to 3 weeks now. I use this time to bond with her, making up for lost time. Next, I will be telling concerned family members & friends this piece of news.  Emily, we are in this journey together and we will take one step at a time. With love, mummy.