Final Journey

This happened yesterday, 2nd September (Sunday).

We were told to be at the Serdang Hospital morgue at 9 am this morning. It was a hard night to sleep the night before (Saturday). I constantly cried. I felt if I had done things differently, she would still be here. I know it is too late to cry over spilled milk, but I feel like I had not done enough. Have I not been a good enough mother to her? My heart ached and felt it weighed a tonne. I literally cried myself to sleep, I think managed 2 hours of sleep.

So we reached the morgue slightly before 9am. The whole process finished at about 11.30am and we were allowed to receive her body. The cause of death was stated at broncho pneumonia. Our BEC members have arranged with the funeral service people the night before and with a few calls of confirmation and they were there waiting with us since about 10am. My close friends also came to lend me support there.

I had prepared a dress which I bought her a few weeks ago. A pretty little light brown checked frock. She had finally grown to a size when I can start fitting her into nice little dresses which I had been buying for her but alas, she only got to wear this one. The funeral service people helped us dress her up in the morgue release room. I hesitated but with my hubby's reassurance that she looked fine, I finally gained courage to see her body in the room. She looked beautiful in the pretty dress and white lace socks, I touched and gave final kisses to her little cold and lifeless body and she was lifted into the little casket. We placed her favourite little pillow and a small key toy in it with her. And we left the morgue to go to the church.

We arrived with the casket about 15 mins to 1 pm. It was placed beside the church hall while waiting for the funeral service at 4pm. Prayers were said for her by BEC members and friends, even the group of Myanmar people having their gathering there offered prayers for her. My older children arrived with my brother-in-law and my sister-in-law and her children also came. My mum, brothers and sister-in-law reached about 3 pm, my friends and some BEC members were already there since earlier. We moved to the main church and by now more BEC members, friends, colleagues have arrived. I placed a small Lady of Perpetual help pendant which Father blessed and gave to us a few months ago when Emily was sick and hospitalised. At 4pm, my hubby carried her casket and with Father, followed by the my children and I and the rest of the congregation, we entered the church main hall. It was the most beautiful Mass, Father's homily after the Gospel reading, was the most beautiful one that I had ever heard from him. He depicted little Emily as the pretty tiny flower in a pot that GOD so loved, watched over and waited for and finally brought HOME with HIM. He said Emily through her 5 months of life (5 months and 9 days actually) has brought my family so much closer to each other and to GOD, she has brought together and affected so many BEC members.We witnessed this in the beautiful Mass which although was so hastily arranged, had seen so many people come together to make it such a beautiful one that my family and I are so very thankful and grateful for. I cried at his words, my 4 year old daughter asked me not to cry because Emily is in heaven.

The Mass ended, and hubby carried her casket to entrance of the church and everyone present blessed and looked at my peaceful and beautiful little baby before the casket was closed up and brought to the burial ground a short drive from the church. Father came and conducted the burial rites, hubby placed the casket into the dug grave. My boys put in handwritten messages for their little sister and witnessed by so many people, she was buried.

It was the most beautiful Mass and burial that I can ever imagined. Emily's final journey in this harsh world was a most beautiful one.

BEC members came to say Rosary prayers for Emily at our house and will continue to do so for 7 days from Saturday.

In Ever Loving Memory...

I have not finished my post that I was writing on Thursday, I just posted it half-finished just now. Today is 1st September 2012, Saturday. Today is a day I wished a hundred things could be different. I wished I had done things that I didn't, I wished I had been wiser, if only I knew...

1st September 2012, is by far the hardest day ever in my life. Today, my baby Emily stopped breathing in my arms. It's been a surreal day. I am still not completely in terms with the fact that I have lost her, my lovely princess Emily darling, for good. My brain is not thinking much, it's pretty empty now. Tired, my heart seems to have sunk very low at the moment.

My good Lord, please have mercy on her soul, bring and keep her with You in heaven. My Emily, mummy is sorry for bringing you to this world and causing you so much suffering for the short 5+ months of your life. We will never forget you, we will love you always and forever. We will meet again one day, I LOVE YOU, I AM SORRY.............

On Thursday

Emily is 5 months plus a week old today. She is having a cough and making her more cranky. She got the cough from me, unfortunately. I couldn't cure my cough which has been going on for more than a month now. So sorry to see her coughing, feeding her medicine is also very hard, she will spurt it out most of the time. It's a hard week, MIL overly worried and hubby said we should take care of her ourselves, so I had to take 2 days off and hubby, 1. Luckily Friday is a holiday, so save one day leave. Next Monday will be her check up at Paeds in Hospital. If she is not better then, the Paediatrician can check her again. Hopefully, it won't turn into something serious.

I have checked out Kiwanis Foundation, printed out the forms required for Emily to join in. From my phone enquiry to the centre, looks like for infants, the therapy is weekly while for toddlers is 3 times per week. I am not sure yet how this will work out because I don't know if they conduct the therapy on weekends or weekdays. How will we manage if they only have it on week days? Both of us work, so I really don't know.

Heartfelt Thank You!

We had our IJN check up 3 months post operation. The doctor said that the 2 holes in her heart have been fully closed. Thank God! But he did mention that a valve maybe leaky and will check if any swelling will happen to her heart, so far her heart looks normal. If no complications happens, this leaky valve may not need any intervention. Anyways, he will see Emily again in 3 more months.

We also went to Serdang Hospital to get appointments to check her eyesight and her hearing. We will have more appointments in September. 

Looking back at how she was right after surgery and her now, it's a huge transformation that can only be possible with God's grace. Reflecting back, I am really grateful for the many kind gestures, words, prayers and thoughts by so many of our friends and relatives. I want to write this now so that I will never forget the kindness of so many and particularly a few that I will mention. In order to respect their privacy, I will only give their initials. You know people are often forgetful, I don't want to forget this ever. 

I am really thankful to SN, she has taken so much time and effort to come cheer me up when I am stuck in Hospitals. I know she did so because of her long struggle with her dad's illness when she spent huge amount of time in Hospitals too. So I think she feels strongly about providing support to friends who have loved ones in hospitals. At these hard times, friends being there for you not only lend you a listening ear but also provide you comfort and hope. SN always got more close friends along and they will visit me for hours at the Hospitals just to chat. Thank you PY, AH, KK for spending sometimes hours with me in the most uncomfortable of places. Thank you SC and AL for your kind concern eventhough we were not keeping in touch for some time. 

I was very touched by the kind gestures of NH, he took his own money to offer prayers during the times when we need divine help. Even offered to help with medical expenses. I am pleasantly surprise that he has a heart of gold though he doesn't necessarily display this out. Your thoughts are enough, thank you. My other colleagues for taking time to visit.

Also I am very pleased with the doctors and nurses at the hospitals. Their services are marvellous and they are very friendly, much improved from years ago. The nurses especially are very under appreciated. Their jobs are really like those of angels, thank you to each and everyone of you. 

There are the church people who has shown us much concern and given their prayers for Emily unselfishly. The parish priest for taking time to hear us and the trouble to perform her baptism in the hospital. 

My family members, my mum and MIL for helping out with the older kids while we are dealing with this. Aunty S for visiting us eventhough we have not seen each other for years.

I may be strong willed but these show of kindness from so many still means a whole lot to me and my hubby. At times of needs, we are able to see uncommon kindness that enhances friendships and kinships. I never want to forget this. 

Emily is so much improved with the grace of the Almighty. My great friends and families played significant roles in helping us cope. THANK YOU!

Progressing...

We went for Emily's check up last Monday, her weight is now 4.25 kg. Although she is still below the average weight for babies her age, it is still a good increase from her post-ops weight of about 3.4 kg. We will need to feed her about 90ml of breast milk every 3 hourly. Her medicine has also been reduced. Hopefully after the next IJN checkup, we can stop her medication. We will be going to IJN in 2 weeks' time. I hope her heart scan will show that she heart is doing well.

Since she has been staying in hospitals for a large part of her 4 months, we just realised we have missed 2 of her immunisation. Last night, we finally bought her to a local clinic and got her month 2 jab. She will need a few more jabs to catch up.

The paediatrician in Hospital Kajang has also given us 2 referrals to check her eyes and her ears in Serdang Hospital. We need to make time to bring her there too.

Emily, the Smiley

I wonder it anyone reads this blog besides my hubby but that's fine. I just want to write down what I go through periodically, together with our precious and special little girl, Emily. She is now 3.5 months old, her next check up is on this coming Monday. I really hope we hear all positive things from the doctor. She seems to be doing very well at home, feeding well, sleeping and playing well too. Even after I swap her formula powdered milk to breast milk, she seems to be doing fine. My MIL was worried about her not feeding as much compared to the formula milk but under my care, she seems to feed well. So I am quite sure, she is doing fine. I think it's more about getting her in a comfy positiion so she can feed on the bottle nicely.

Another 3 weeks, we will be seeing the IJN doctors. Apart from a healed scar on her chest that is about 3 inches in length and resembles a centipede, she seems to have healed very well from her operation. If I have not mentioned before, the IJN bill worked out to be pretty hefty and we will be paying a large amount from our pockets. But I keep reminding myself about the time when we were uncertain about her heart condition and we had made up our mind to foot any cost involved just to get her cured, I stop feeling the pain the money that her operation cost us. I honestly do not mind paying the money in exchange for her mended heart. In fact I am very grateful to my hubby's company for helping us (in whatever extent) even when the insurance doesn't cover medical cost from congenital heart disease.

Emily, she is a pro at smiling and making cooing noises. You can easily make her smile and laugh by baby-talking to her, provided you satisfy her tummy first. Life with her is at the moment pretty normal. She looks and acts like any other baby, most of the time. I hope she will continue to do so. I pray for her to grow and learn normally like any kid and that she will have a fruitful and fulfilling Christian life.

Gadgets for Baby

Emily is due for her check up in the hospital the Monday after next. She is going to have her blood drawn next Monday to run some tests. I hope the results will allow her to stop all the medication that she is currently taking. She is also due to change from fat-free formula milk to breast milk which I have accumulated for her in my new freezer. Her very expensive fat-free formula is almost out as well, but I am a bit worried about her ability to adapt back to breast milk after 6 weeks of not taking it. I am also worried if switching back to breast milk will cause any problems like it did right after her operation.I think I will mix both types of milk and take 2 to 3 days to switch her over. Hope I still have enough formula milk to do so...

Otherwise, Emily is doing just fine. I think she is well over 4kg now, hooray! She still pants after feeding for a short awhile but will resume feeding quickly. She is responding to us well, smiling when we make funny noises. She is even cooing and oohing back at us. She has been flagging her arms and legs since a long time ago and her neck is getting stronger.

As my mum suggested, I have brought an electronic automatic shaker for the baby hammock and it's a great help. We can leave her for a long while in the cradle while I do other stuff around the house, RM180 for that with 6 months warranty. This will be useful too when the maid is here so the maid can do other work while Emily sleeps in the day. Additional, I have ordered iBaby online. It's an IP webcam/baby monitor that can be accessed and controlled using iPhone app. It has night vision and supports 2 way communication too. I am waiting for the RM699 iBaby to be delivered. Quite excited about getting it to work so I can start checking on Emily live while I am at work!