Mark 10:14

We called the contact for the tombstone maker I got from a funeral house who posted their ad in the Herald. Although we had another contact, we decided to just contact one of them. We met with the tombstone maker on Saturday and after some quick discussion and negotiation, we decided the design and price on the spot. I have just sent them by email the inscription and design to be engraved on the marble display on her grave. It is a simple design with some flowers.

I still think of Emily often but it is not as painful anymore. She is already in her final and eternal destiny, she is a little Saint now. There is no reason to mourn or be sad anymore. The sadness I am feeling is more of the human kind, the ache in my heart is because of me feeling the loss of my baby from my arms. It is a selfish kind of sadness because I am only thinking about how I feel. Instead I should be happy that she is privileged to be given a passport straight to Heaven while those of us still here have to work real hard to get the same chance.

Of course it was only natural for me to feel the pain and suffering from this loss but prolonged sadness doesn't seem right. So I have decided that I will allow myself to be sad for maybe 10% of the time while the 90% of the time when I think of Emily, I should be glad and thank GOD for the gift of Emily to us. I pray that GOD will bless me, and my husband, and guide us to become better witnesses of Christ through all means, from words to deeds. My little Saint Emily, pray for us and watch over your brothers and sister.

Inscription for Emily's Grave

Lovely week...

Next Thursday is All Saints' Day and the day after that is All Souls' day. Today (Saturday), our Priest asked for help to gotong-royong (loosely translated to group cleaning-up) at the parish cemetery. So we carted the older 2 boys and my 4 year old princess to the cemetery to help out. It was a sunny morning and there was quite a good turn-out. We picked rubbish by hand into garbage bags under the hot morning sun and managed to gather quite a lot of rubbish! I am proud that my kids worked just as hard as their parents and between us 5, we picked 4 bags of them.

Sometimes, I feel slightly guilty and even a little hypocritical that we only come to help in the cemetery after we have a loved-one buried there. But I won't beat myself over this. It never occurred to me to participate in such activities before. Time was always the factor, or rather the lack of it. Actually, it was more an excuse. We have one hour to spend in front of the TV or on Facebook and we have none to spare for something more significant? I want to say I will never make this an excuse anymore but I know I am 'weak' and sometimes lazy, so I will say this: I will try and try to make time for anything and anyone in need.

At the cemetery, we saw some men building tombstone on a grave and I asked my hubby to get their contact. We will be putting up one for Emily's grave soon. I did some searching online for nice designs but hubby would like something simple. We'll see what the tombstone maker has to offer.

As a matter of coincidence, I read a Facebook post by my aunt a minute ago. It was a video about Pearl Joy Brown, a miracle baby. Of course, being the mushy type, I cried seeing the video. I also found her blog. But get some tissues because you will be moved to tears. What great courage and what a beautiful life that they are holding in their arms.

I miss you, Emily.

Oh yeah, I have nice news. We have been asked to be godparents to a beautiful baby boy named Alexander Tan who is almost 3 months old. We met him and his parents for the first time last week during our Rosary prayers at their house. His mother, an Indonesian (his dad is a Sarawakian Chinese), was busy being the host so I offered to hold the baby and ended up holding him the whole evening, GLADLY. He was such a happy baby and I was able to make him smile a lot. After awhile, I even made him sleep in my arms. He never wimped or cried one bit! It was such a joy to hold him, it does help ease a little of my pining for Emily. Alexander has yet to be baptised, so some of the BEC members suggested for us to be his godparents. I immediately said yes and I am very very happy, :). I think Alexander will be baptised in November, I can't wait to see him again.

Oh yes, we will be praying for baby Pearl Joy and her family. We have also been praying for a lady reader of my blog and her son who will be undergoing heart surgery in November. I am sold about prayers and I hope all of you are too. Pray lots and pray hard. GOD loves us all! Amen.

Emptiness

Yeah, I am getting on with life. Things are as they should be. I am busy getting the kids to school/daycare in the mornings. Work also is pretty busy, and lunchtime with my lunch buddies are usually the highlight of the day. I will be busy picking the kids up in the evenings.

When we get home after having dinner at MIL's place, we will watch some TV before the kids go off to bed. Hubby always sleeps early too because he wakes up early to go to work. I usually have difficulty to sleep early, so I spend a few hours before bed watching Korean dramas online in our room. As much as I like watching them, I have to admit the real reason I do this is to wear myself out so that I can drop into bed and sleep straight away. But that doesn't always work. Last night, after watching 3 consecutive episodes, I felt tired but when I was on my bed trying to sleep, I started sobbing again. I miss my baby, Emily.

While driving to work too, I will think of her. When I am shopping and I see baby stuff or if I see someone's cute baby, I will think of her. When I am not occupied with something to do, thoughts of her come to me. And it still hurts in my heart and tear floods my eyes. I try looking for books form people with similar experience but they are not readily available. I looked for people who share their stories online and came to this site:

http://community.babycenter.com/groups/a6716015/down_syndrome_loss

I guess this should be normal for grieving mothers. I read that this could go on for 1 year. Yeah, I think time will make it easier but I will never feel the same. It feels like there is an emptiness inside you that cannot be filled. With time the emptiness may grow smaller but it will never fully heal and I supposed this is how it will be.

After all these happenings, I am still thankful to Our Father in Heaven. It is better to have and to lose than never to have at all. It was better that I had 5 months and 9 days of her alive with me than lesser. It was better that I had experienced all the emotions and trails, all the doubts and hardship than not having seen the kindness that exist amongst family and friends. It was better that we learn that money really didn't mean more to us than precious human life. I have a lot to be thankful for. Even for the current suffering I am going through (nice writeup on Finding God in suffering). I know it is better that I am going through it than to live life in spiritual complacency. Lord God, help me and guide me to experience Your love in every circumstance and to fully surrender to Your will.

Getting On...

Pretty flowers...

I bought some pretty purple and pink flowers for Emily's grave on the morning of the 40th day of her passing, on Wednesday.  Took half day off to prepare food for our BEC members who came to our house for rosary prayers for the day too. The days are getting on fine for all of us. I have a lot more free time now. I even started piano lessons, something which I have been meaning to do for awhile. We have plenty of things to do in the house which we will be doing little by little every weekend.

I still miss her often but it's not too hard now. Sometimes I wonder why God gave Emily to us only to take her away so quickly. But that's how God works, we can never really understand it with our limited capacity. Someone said to me, I still have 3 kids that need my attention. That may be true, but I still miss having a young baby. Even before Emily's passing, I had this thought of adopting a baby and my husband agreed too. So if the opportunity comes and a baby is in need of a family, we are opened to it.

I want to change because I had Emily in my life, I want to get more involved in anything that I can help out. Whether it's for charity or for Church. Next time, when there is a call for volunteers for a cause that I feel strongly about, I will take a step forward and offer my help. So I pray to our Heavenly Father, take me and guide me to do Your work. Amen.

Nearly One Month...

28th Sept: Almost 1 month has gone by since Emily departed from us. Things have fallen back to the same old routine as before her birth. I am not rushing as much and we are managing ok without any help. My kids are all sent to day-care and my MIL cooks dinner for us. So she is pretty relaxed now which is how it should be for her anyway.

I, of course, still miss Emily. I think of her everyday. Sometimes with great remorse and sorrow and sometimes with just a tinge of sadness. She was looking so healthy and recovering so well from her surgery that I had no way of knowing she was in danger. I keep asking myself and my hubby if I had done enough for her. But I also know that there was nothing I wouldn't do if I could, to save her.

I think I would go to her grave this Sunday again to put some lovely flowers on it. Emily, I know you are in heaven now and you can see us here. You are a saint now and I should be praying for your intercession. Please bring all your brothers and sister and papa and mommy to Our Heavenly Father's attention. Ask Our Father to have mercy on us, guide us and protect us from illness and harm. Help us to become faithful Christians and always walk in the rightful path. When we are lost, guide us back to the correct way so that we all may end up together with you in Heaven for eternity. I love you, Emily.

Am I fine?

15th Sept: Yesterday, a colleague came by my office to see me while I was chatting happily with friends in the office. She gave me her condolences and a small envelope containing a card and a prayer book on grieving. The day before, in a video conferencing meeting with our UK colleagues, a lady asked about how my family was without knowing about my baby's recent demise. I told her that we lost our baby and that was a very awkward moment, more for the nice lady who asked that question. I felt bad for her. Earlier in the week, another colleague saw me at the car park while I was going home and came over to hug me. I just smiled and nodded as she gave some consoling words.

Through all these small happenings, I am reminded of Emily and the reality that she is no longer with me. I know all of them are well meaning but they gave me a sense of guilt. I am supposed to be in grief but I seem to be getting on with life fine.

Before I went back to work last week, I told myself I will allow myself to grief for a week. We will pray for Emily for a week and put her picture beside the altar for a week. And that was what we did, I did not think of anything but Emily and stare at her picture at home for long periods for a whole week. At the end of the week, we put her picture amongst the baby pictures of her other siblings and went to the cemetery with some pretty flowers.

The work week begun and I didn't know if I would be able to join my lunch buddies for lunch. Work kept me busy, I had lots of things to handle, so time passed easily. When lunch time came, I felt I was back to my old self and joined them for lunch, and did so for the rest of the week too. The conversations were our usual comical nonsense and I found myself joking and laughing. All the time, I felt self-conscious of being judged as a mother who has gotten over her baby's death all too quickly. I know of course none of this actually happened, it was just me thinking crazy stuff.

This morning, I started to replay the events that happened around her death in my head again. Thoughts of 'if I did this' and 'if we didn't do that she would still be alive' came to my mind. I imagined how it would be like if she is still here, she would be at that spot and I would be feeding her or playing with her at that moment.

This cycle of happy, guilty, sad for me may continue forever. It's probably not healthy and if I do not allow myself to feel the moment and to grief fully, I may always be feeling awful from time to time like this. Is there a way that parents can best do to cope with the lost of a child? I searched online and found this useful article:

http://www.athealth.com/consumer/disorders/parentalgrief.html

Most of what the article say is so true. I hope my hubby reads it too. You know, even now, I still cannot imagine how any parent can ever cope with the lost of a child and I JUST LOST A BABY. So that is how lost I am, I thought I am strong, but am I? I am just confused for the moment, I really don't know how to feel or think. But ultimately, I know what I need to achieve, i.e. as part of the conclusion of the article above stated and I quoted here: 

What has happened (death of their child) to these parents has changed their lives; they will never see life the same way; they will never be the same people. As they attempt to move forward, bereaved parents realize they are survivors and have been strong enough to endure what is probably life's harshest blow. By addressing their grief and coping with it, they struggle to continue this journey while making this devastating loss part of their own personal history, a part of their life's story, a part of their very being.

For the moment, I am not losing it yet. I think it's bearable, albeit confusing. I still am able to take this emotional roller coaster ride. But if I don't feel better after a significant amount of time, I may look for a counselor for guidance. Or maybe a priest or a religious person.

But honestly, for all that has happened, I AM THANKFUL TO GOD ALMIGHTY. Many things could have been worse. I am thankful that we arranged for Emily's baptism earlier on. I am thankful that she died in my arms instead of someone else, that person could be traumatised for life! Most of all, without the belief that Emily is now at the BEST PLACE EVER and without the belief that GOD is ever merciful and loving towards everyone, including me, I think I would be in a worse condition that I am in now.

My Lord, God, help me through the months and even years to come. Guide me and mold me to be a changed person that love and trust YOU and YOUR plans. If YOU beat me down then please lift me up and make me wiser and make me more faithful to THEE. Amen.

Missing my baby...

10th Sept: I went back to work today, had lots of work, so kept me busy. It was an okay day, I managed to work well with no problem. I did get a few emails and people asking me how I am coping, I managed to give short and polite answers. On the way home from work, I thought to myself that I am getting back with life too quickly. I just lost Emily 9 days ago! After dinner, I watched the drama series at home and did not think of her. But as I was about to go to bed, I started to miss her again. Her chuckles when I tickle her, her smile when I move her legs in mock exercise. How she loved her bath time. Tears started to roll down my cheeks. I miss her dearly. I think I won't stop missing her for a long long time..