Am I fine?

15th Sept: Yesterday, a colleague came by my office to see me while I was chatting happily with friends in the office. She gave me her condolences and a small envelope containing a card and a prayer book on grieving. The day before, in a video conferencing meeting with our UK colleagues, a lady asked about how my family was without knowing about my baby's recent demise. I told her that we lost our baby and that was a very awkward moment, more for the nice lady who asked that question. I felt bad for her. Earlier in the week, another colleague saw me at the car park while I was going home and came over to hug me. I just smiled and nodded as she gave some consoling words.

Through all these small happenings, I am reminded of Emily and the reality that she is no longer with me. I know all of them are well meaning but they gave me a sense of guilt. I am supposed to be in grief but I seem to be getting on with life fine.

Before I went back to work last week, I told myself I will allow myself to grief for a week. We will pray for Emily for a week and put her picture beside the altar for a week. And that was what we did, I did not think of anything but Emily and stare at her picture at home for long periods for a whole week. At the end of the week, we put her picture amongst the baby pictures of her other siblings and went to the cemetery with some pretty flowers.

The work week begun and I didn't know if I would be able to join my lunch buddies for lunch. Work kept me busy, I had lots of things to handle, so time passed easily. When lunch time came, I felt I was back to my old self and joined them for lunch, and did so for the rest of the week too. The conversations were our usual comical nonsense and I found myself joking and laughing. All the time, I felt self-conscious of being judged as a mother who has gotten over her baby's death all too quickly. I know of course none of this actually happened, it was just me thinking crazy stuff.

This morning, I started to replay the events that happened around her death in my head again. Thoughts of 'if I did this' and 'if we didn't do that she would still be alive' came to my mind. I imagined how it would be like if she is still here, she would be at that spot and I would be feeding her or playing with her at that moment.

This cycle of happy, guilty, sad for me may continue forever. It's probably not healthy and if I do not allow myself to feel the moment and to grief fully, I may always be feeling awful from time to time like this. Is there a way that parents can best do to cope with the lost of a child? I searched online and found this useful article:

http://www.athealth.com/consumer/disorders/parentalgrief.html

Most of what the article say is so true. I hope my hubby reads it too. You know, even now, I still cannot imagine how any parent can ever cope with the lost of a child and I JUST LOST A BABY. So that is how lost I am, I thought I am strong, but am I? I am just confused for the moment, I really don't know how to feel or think. But ultimately, I know what I need to achieve, i.e. as part of the conclusion of the article above stated and I quoted here: 

What has happened (death of their child) to these parents has changed their lives; they will never see life the same way; they will never be the same people. As they attempt to move forward, bereaved parents realize they are survivors and have been strong enough to endure what is probably life's harshest blow. By addressing their grief and coping with it, they struggle to continue this journey while making this devastating loss part of their own personal history, a part of their life's story, a part of their very being.

For the moment, I am not losing it yet. I think it's bearable, albeit confusing. I still am able to take this emotional roller coaster ride. But if I don't feel better after a significant amount of time, I may look for a counselor for guidance. Or maybe a priest or a religious person.

But honestly, for all that has happened, I AM THANKFUL TO GOD ALMIGHTY. Many things could have been worse. I am thankful that we arranged for Emily's baptism earlier on. I am thankful that she died in my arms instead of someone else, that person could be traumatised for life! Most of all, without the belief that Emily is now at the BEST PLACE EVER and without the belief that GOD is ever merciful and loving towards everyone, including me, I think I would be in a worse condition that I am in now.

My Lord, God, help me through the months and even years to come. Guide me and mold me to be a changed person that love and trust YOU and YOUR plans. If YOU beat me down then please lift me up and make me wiser and make me more faithful to THEE. Amen.