28th Sept: Almost 1 month has gone by since Emily departed from us. Things have fallen back to the same old routine as before her birth. I am not rushing as much and we are managing ok without any help. My kids are all sent to day-care and my MIL cooks dinner for us. So she is pretty relaxed now which is how it should be for her anyway.
I, of course, still miss Emily. I think of her everyday. Sometimes with great remorse and sorrow and sometimes with just a tinge of sadness. She was looking so healthy and recovering so well from her surgery that I had no way of knowing she was in danger. I keep asking myself and my hubby if I had done enough for her. But I also know that there was nothing I wouldn't do if I could, to save her.
I think I would go to her grave this Sunday again to put some lovely flowers on it. Emily, I know you are in heaven now and you can see us here. You are a saint now and I should be praying for your intercession. Please bring all your brothers and sister and papa and mommy to Our Heavenly Father's attention. Ask Our Father to have mercy on us, guide us and protect us from illness and harm. Help us to become faithful Christians and always walk in the rightful path. When we are lost, guide us back to the correct way so that we all may end up together with you in Heaven for eternity. I love you, Emily.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Am I fine?
15th Sept: Yesterday, a colleague came by my office to see me while I was chatting happily with friends in the office. She gave me her condolences and a small envelope containing a card and a prayer book on grieving. The day before, in a video conferencing meeting with our UK colleagues, a lady asked about how my family was without knowing about my baby's recent demise. I told her that we lost our baby and that was a very awkward moment, more for the nice lady who asked that question. I felt bad for her. Earlier in the week, another colleague saw me at the car park while I was going home and came over to hug me. I just smiled and nodded as she gave some consoling words.
Through all these small happenings, I am reminded of Emily and the reality that she is no longer with me. I know all of them are well meaning but they gave me a sense of guilt. I am supposed to be in grief but I seem to be getting on with life fine.
Before I went back to work last week, I told myself I will allow myself to grief for a week. We will pray for Emily for a week and put her picture beside the altar for a week. And that was what we did, I did not think of anything but Emily and stare at her picture at home for long periods for a whole week. At the end of the week, we put her picture amongst the baby pictures of her other siblings and went to the cemetery with some pretty flowers.
The work week begun and I didn't know if I would be able to join my lunch buddies for lunch. Work kept me busy, I had lots of things to handle, so time passed easily. When lunch time came, I felt I was back to my old self and joined them for lunch, and did so for the rest of the week too. The conversations were our usual comical nonsense and I found myself joking and laughing. All the time, I felt self-conscious of being judged as a mother who has gotten over her baby's death all too quickly. I know of course none of this actually happened, it was just me thinking crazy stuff.
This morning, I started to replay the events that happened around her death in my head again. Thoughts of 'if I did this' and 'if we didn't do that she would still be alive' came to my mind. I imagined how it would be like if she is still here, she would be at that spot and I would be feeding her or playing with her at that moment.
This cycle of happy, guilty, sad for me may continue forever. It's probably not healthy and if I do not allow myself to feel the moment and to grief fully, I may always be feeling awful from time to time like this. Is there a way that parents can best do to cope with the lost of a child? I searched online and found this useful article:
http://www.athealth.com/consumer/disorders/parentalgrief.html
Most of what the article say is so true. I hope my hubby reads it too. You know, even now, I still cannot imagine how any parent can ever cope with the lost of a child and I JUST LOST A BABY. So that is how lost I am, I thought I am strong, but am I? I am just confused for the moment, I really don't know how to feel or think. But ultimately, I know what I need to achieve, i.e. as part of the conclusion of the article above stated and I quoted here:
But honestly, for all that has happened, I AM THANKFUL TO GOD ALMIGHTY. Many things could have been worse. I am thankful that we arranged for Emily's baptism earlier on. I am thankful that she died in my arms instead of someone else, that person could be traumatised for life! Most of all, without the belief that Emily is now at the BEST PLACE EVER and without the belief that GOD is ever merciful and loving towards everyone, including me, I think I would be in a worse condition that I am in now.
Through all these small happenings, I am reminded of Emily and the reality that she is no longer with me. I know all of them are well meaning but they gave me a sense of guilt. I am supposed to be in grief but I seem to be getting on with life fine.
Before I went back to work last week, I told myself I will allow myself to grief for a week. We will pray for Emily for a week and put her picture beside the altar for a week. And that was what we did, I did not think of anything but Emily and stare at her picture at home for long periods for a whole week. At the end of the week, we put her picture amongst the baby pictures of her other siblings and went to the cemetery with some pretty flowers.
The work week begun and I didn't know if I would be able to join my lunch buddies for lunch. Work kept me busy, I had lots of things to handle, so time passed easily. When lunch time came, I felt I was back to my old self and joined them for lunch, and did so for the rest of the week too. The conversations were our usual comical nonsense and I found myself joking and laughing. All the time, I felt self-conscious of being judged as a mother who has gotten over her baby's death all too quickly. I know of course none of this actually happened, it was just me thinking crazy stuff.
This morning, I started to replay the events that happened around her death in my head again. Thoughts of 'if I did this' and 'if we didn't do that she would still be alive' came to my mind. I imagined how it would be like if she is still here, she would be at that spot and I would be feeding her or playing with her at that moment.
This cycle of happy, guilty, sad for me may continue forever. It's probably not healthy and if I do not allow myself to feel the moment and to grief fully, I may always be feeling awful from time to time like this. Is there a way that parents can best do to cope with the lost of a child? I searched online and found this useful article:
http://www.athealth.com/consumer/disorders/parentalgrief.html
Most of what the article say is so true. I hope my hubby reads it too. You know, even now, I still cannot imagine how any parent can ever cope with the lost of a child and I JUST LOST A BABY. So that is how lost I am, I thought I am strong, but am I? I am just confused for the moment, I really don't know how to feel or think. But ultimately, I know what I need to achieve, i.e. as part of the conclusion of the article above stated and I quoted here:
What has happened (death of their child) to these parents has changed their lives; they will never see life the same way; they will never be the same people. As they attempt to move forward, bereaved parents realize they are survivors and have been strong enough to endure what is probably life's harshest blow. By addressing their grief and coping with it, they struggle to continue this journey while making this devastating loss part of their own personal history, a part of their life's story, a part of their very being.
For the moment, I am not losing it yet. I think it's bearable, albeit confusing. I still am able to take this emotional roller coaster ride. But if I don't feel better after a significant amount of time, I may look for a counselor for guidance. Or maybe a priest or a religious person.
But honestly, for all that has happened, I AM THANKFUL TO GOD ALMIGHTY. Many things could have been worse. I am thankful that we arranged for Emily's baptism earlier on. I am thankful that she died in my arms instead of someone else, that person could be traumatised for life! Most of all, without the belief that Emily is now at the BEST PLACE EVER and without the belief that GOD is ever merciful and loving towards everyone, including me, I think I would be in a worse condition that I am in now.
My Lord, God, help me through the months and even years to come. Guide me and mold me to be a changed person that love and trust YOU and YOUR plans. If YOU beat me down then please lift me up and make me wiser and make me more faithful to THEE. Amen.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Missing my baby...
10th Sept: I went back to work today, had lots of work, so kept me busy. It was an okay day, I managed to work well with no problem. I did get a few emails and people asking me how I am coping, I managed to give short and polite answers. On the way home from work, I thought to myself that I am getting back with life too quickly. I just lost Emily 9 days ago! After dinner, I watched the drama series at home and did not think of her. But as I was about to go to bed, I started to miss her again. Her chuckles when I tickle her, her smile when I move her legs in mock exercise. How she loved her bath time. Tears started to roll down my cheeks. I miss her dearly. I think I won't stop missing her for a long long time..
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Regrets
7th September 2012: Today is the 7th day of Emily's passing. We will attend the evening Mass today and the BEC/Zone members will be here for the last of the 7-day Rosary prayers tonight at our home. My hubby has started work after 4 days of compassionate leave. I took additional 2 days on top of my three days compassionate leave. I do not think I will be ready to face concerned colleagues who may asked about how I feel. I am afraid I may cry, and that wouldn't be very good in office. I don't know how things will be next week in office, but I have plenty of work to do. I hope I can keep myself busy with work and not think of Emily too much during work.
There are several honest confession that I want to make here. My real feelings and thoughts that I feel I should write down because I know parents facing the same issues as us will in some way or another have similiar feeling/thoughts and I just hope it helps them to know that they are not alone. I was there once too.
Honestly, during the few months of Emily's life here in this world, I have had thoughts on several occasions that if she was not born or if she did not survive her heart surgery, it would have been better than having her growing up and suffer discrimination, bullying and more health issues. I also had thoughts that if she out-survived us, her parents, who will be her fort, her dependency, how can she fend for herself? I feel like a bad mother for feeling this way and I quickly pushed these thoughts away. I asked my hubby if he had the same thoughts, he said never. And you know what, I believe him. He is not one who over-think things. He said the only thing he thought of was to create a small business (specifically, a convenience store) that we can pass down to her for her survival when we are too old to work or when we are gone from this world.
It never dawned on me that her life with us could be so short. We have had difficulty getting permanent help to care for her. Because of her heart condition and her syndrome, I understand that people will be reluctant to take care of her. I think my MIL reluctantly agreed to help us take care of her while my mum sympathised with us and helped in her care for a week at a time, several times over the months. We paid the agency some 4 months ago for a Filipino maid but she changed her mind at the last minute. We already applied for a new one and were to wait another 2 months but now there is not need of a maid anymore, we have cancelled the application. Sometimes, this feels like it has been planned.
Prior to her death, I was having a pro-longed bad cough (and still having it). I was coughing over a month. Seen doctors 3 times, tried the sensei's medication, tried all sorts of cough mixture but it stayed. It wasn't causing anything more that irritation to me. Although I never deliberately cough on Emily, I did not use mask or anything like that. I remember thinking to myself that it will be inconvenient and plus my 4 year old was also coughing so it would be pointless cause Emily will get the cough from someone else if not from me. I also thought that she needs to go through some coughs and colds in order to build up her immune system. There are lots of nasty microbes out there, she will need to have a better immune system to survive this world. When she finally got her cough a week plus ago, I knew it will take time to heal but I never thought that it will lead to her death. I am so so very sorry for that. I especially regret that after all her hardship, her long stay in hospitals, her open heart surgery which she survived, she succumbed to a cough. She was doing so well after her surgery, getting chubbier by the day from my EBM. I honestly, never thought it was such a serious cough. If I knew, believe me I would not have let this happened. When the doctors pronounced her dead in the hospital, I wailed uncontrollably and I keep saying it was my fault. I told my hubby it was my fault that she died, my hubby wouldn't let me think like that.
Now that she is gone, nothing would bring her back. I know that nothing can happen against GOD's will. There must be reasons why things turn out the way it is. The only consolation that makes my grief bearable is that she IS amongst the saints and angels in heaven now. That I am absolutely sure. And because of that I have no other choice but to make sure I can also go to heaven when my time comes so that I can see her again.
Emily, please forgive me for not being a good mum to you and caused you so much hardship. I would gladly take your place and suffer in your place, if I could. I hope you could feel our love for you throughout the months even though you were just a baby. Emily, I love you sooooo, sooooo much. Forgive me...
There are several honest confession that I want to make here. My real feelings and thoughts that I feel I should write down because I know parents facing the same issues as us will in some way or another have similiar feeling/thoughts and I just hope it helps them to know that they are not alone. I was there once too.
Honestly, during the few months of Emily's life here in this world, I have had thoughts on several occasions that if she was not born or if she did not survive her heart surgery, it would have been better than having her growing up and suffer discrimination, bullying and more health issues. I also had thoughts that if she out-survived us, her parents, who will be her fort, her dependency, how can she fend for herself? I feel like a bad mother for feeling this way and I quickly pushed these thoughts away. I asked my hubby if he had the same thoughts, he said never. And you know what, I believe him. He is not one who over-think things. He said the only thing he thought of was to create a small business (specifically, a convenience store) that we can pass down to her for her survival when we are too old to work or when we are gone from this world.
It never dawned on me that her life with us could be so short. We have had difficulty getting permanent help to care for her. Because of her heart condition and her syndrome, I understand that people will be reluctant to take care of her. I think my MIL reluctantly agreed to help us take care of her while my mum sympathised with us and helped in her care for a week at a time, several times over the months. We paid the agency some 4 months ago for a Filipino maid but she changed her mind at the last minute. We already applied for a new one and were to wait another 2 months but now there is not need of a maid anymore, we have cancelled the application. Sometimes, this feels like it has been planned.
Prior to her death, I was having a pro-longed bad cough (and still having it). I was coughing over a month. Seen doctors 3 times, tried the sensei's medication, tried all sorts of cough mixture but it stayed. It wasn't causing anything more that irritation to me. Although I never deliberately cough on Emily, I did not use mask or anything like that. I remember thinking to myself that it will be inconvenient and plus my 4 year old was also coughing so it would be pointless cause Emily will get the cough from someone else if not from me. I also thought that she needs to go through some coughs and colds in order to build up her immune system. There are lots of nasty microbes out there, she will need to have a better immune system to survive this world. When she finally got her cough a week plus ago, I knew it will take time to heal but I never thought that it will lead to her death. I am so so very sorry for that. I especially regret that after all her hardship, her long stay in hospitals, her open heart surgery which she survived, she succumbed to a cough. She was doing so well after her surgery, getting chubbier by the day from my EBM. I honestly, never thought it was such a serious cough. If I knew, believe me I would not have let this happened. When the doctors pronounced her dead in the hospital, I wailed uncontrollably and I keep saying it was my fault. I told my hubby it was my fault that she died, my hubby wouldn't let me think like that.
Now that she is gone, nothing would bring her back. I know that nothing can happen against GOD's will. There must be reasons why things turn out the way it is. The only consolation that makes my grief bearable is that she IS amongst the saints and angels in heaven now. That I am absolutely sure. And because of that I have no other choice but to make sure I can also go to heaven when my time comes so that I can see her again.
Emily, please forgive me for not being a good mum to you and caused you so much hardship. I would gladly take your place and suffer in your place, if I could. I hope you could feel our love for you throughout the months even though you were just a baby. Emily, I love you sooooo, sooooo much. Forgive me...
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Beautiful Images of Millie-girl
I am feeling better. I have been attending the daily morning Mass for the past few days at the suggestion of a BEC member and I vouch that it has worked wonders for me. I felt more at peace with myself. I have been sleeping better too. I got 5 hours sleep the night before and 8 hours last night.
Yesterday morning, we went to the cemetery to place some flowers on her grave. Cried at the sight of the little grave of hers. We will make a nice little concrete grave for her in a few months from now, after the ground has set. I was telling my hubby, we should visit her grave often so that we do not forget her. Planning to do so again this Saturday, exactly one week from her passing.
The prayers are still ongoing at our house every evening. The BEC/zone members are such wonderful people and we are so blessed to have them in our community. My hubby's godfather, big P, who is always the life of the party, is a big man with a even bigger heart. He has been here daily. Aunty A, the most lovely God-loving lady who treats me like one of her daughters, has been giving me lovely words of encouragement. And the many other BEC and zone members who have been so supportive even though we may not know each other so well. My close friend, A, who is also a Catholic but living in a different place, said that she should be joining her BEC activities after seeing how our BEC/Zone members have been so supportive to our family at these times. I hope she does that because, being a Christian is about community living, people unified by their faith and love for Christ and these people form the Church.
These few days, I also realised how wonderful my hubby is. I just told him, you are not a perfect man but you are a perfect husband for me. With him by my side, the burden of this whole difficulty journey I have traveled in the past few months and especially the last few days has been lightened by half. I guess it is the same for him too and that is what marriage is about, sharing everything... for better for worse...
I still stare at her picture near the altar at home for long periods. I talk to her picture and I cry. I am not ready to put thoughts of her away. After the 7 days prayers complete, I will put her picture amongst our family photos displayed in our house. I know when time passes, I will be able to talk fondly and proudly about her with family and friends, without the grief that I feel now. I am recalling all her special traits, her beautiful smile, her lovely laugh and her cute pout. I want these beautiful images of my Millie-girl (that was what I called her) engrained into my brain, of course the many pictures I took of her will help, lest my memory starts to fade.
And this blog which I started a few months back with the purpose of recording our journey with Emily will be fondly read from time to time to remember her by. A thought came to me 2 days ago, I think I should get this blog published into a booklet of something, so that I can share my experience with parents out there who may be facing difficult times like us. I hope that someone, even if it is just one person out there, find this helpful, it will be a worthy effort. I am not sure yet how this can be done, but I will try. I have a few more thoughts that I want to enter into this blog before I close it for good.
Yesterday morning, we went to the cemetery to place some flowers on her grave. Cried at the sight of the little grave of hers. We will make a nice little concrete grave for her in a few months from now, after the ground has set. I was telling my hubby, we should visit her grave often so that we do not forget her. Planning to do so again this Saturday, exactly one week from her passing.
The prayers are still ongoing at our house every evening. The BEC/zone members are such wonderful people and we are so blessed to have them in our community. My hubby's godfather, big P, who is always the life of the party, is a big man with a even bigger heart. He has been here daily. Aunty A, the most lovely God-loving lady who treats me like one of her daughters, has been giving me lovely words of encouragement. And the many other BEC and zone members who have been so supportive even though we may not know each other so well. My close friend, A, who is also a Catholic but living in a different place, said that she should be joining her BEC activities after seeing how our BEC/Zone members have been so supportive to our family at these times. I hope she does that because, being a Christian is about community living, people unified by their faith and love for Christ and these people form the Church.
These few days, I also realised how wonderful my hubby is. I just told him, you are not a perfect man but you are a perfect husband for me. With him by my side, the burden of this whole difficulty journey I have traveled in the past few months and especially the last few days has been lightened by half. I guess it is the same for him too and that is what marriage is about, sharing everything... for better for worse...
I still stare at her picture near the altar at home for long periods. I talk to her picture and I cry. I am not ready to put thoughts of her away. After the 7 days prayers complete, I will put her picture amongst our family photos displayed in our house. I know when time passes, I will be able to talk fondly and proudly about her with family and friends, without the grief that I feel now. I am recalling all her special traits, her beautiful smile, her lovely laugh and her cute pout. I want these beautiful images of my Millie-girl (that was what I called her) engrained into my brain, of course the many pictures I took of her will help, lest my memory starts to fade.
And this blog which I started a few months back with the purpose of recording our journey with Emily will be fondly read from time to time to remember her by. A thought came to me 2 days ago, I think I should get this blog published into a booklet of something, so that I can share my experience with parents out there who may be facing difficult times like us. I hope that someone, even if it is just one person out there, find this helpful, it will be a worthy effort. I am not sure yet how this can be done, but I will try. I have a few more thoughts that I want to enter into this blog before I close it for good.
Monday, September 3, 2012
Another hard day...
3rd Sept 2012: I did not sleep at all the night before, I tried but millions of thoughts were passing through my brain at the speed of light and I could feel the weight of it all between my brows. Guilt, regrets, scary thoughts, what I want to do in her remembrance, I don't know and so much more... I tried to imagine our Mother Mary's face so I can calm my mind, but it didn't worked. I think I didn't sleep at all. At 6.30 am, I got up and went to church for the 7 am daily Mass. That worked wonders, I felt better.
We went to register her death with JPN, it was completed by about 1.30pm. The Government Clinic nurse visited us for documents for their records. She was such a kind lady. I really appreciate the goodwill and kindness that I have witnessed in so many people be it in hospitals, clinics or any government agencies, etc. during these past months. I now have renewed faith in the goodness within people in general which I thought had disappeared from mankind.
A few of my colleagues and my hubby's visited at different times of the day. In the evening, we conducted the Day 3 prayers. By 10 pm, I was out cold. I managed a good 5 hours of sleep that night.
Emily, from where you are, watch over us. I don't want to ever forget you, I want to be transformed into a better Christian person because of you. Your life will not be in vain, I will make sure, with God's Grace, that I am better person because I had you in my life. I love you, my little Emily.
We went to register her death with JPN, it was completed by about 1.30pm. The Government Clinic nurse visited us for documents for their records. She was such a kind lady. I really appreciate the goodwill and kindness that I have witnessed in so many people be it in hospitals, clinics or any government agencies, etc. during these past months. I now have renewed faith in the goodness within people in general which I thought had disappeared from mankind.
A few of my colleagues and my hubby's visited at different times of the day. In the evening, we conducted the Day 3 prayers. By 10 pm, I was out cold. I managed a good 5 hours of sleep that night.
Emily, from where you are, watch over us. I don't want to ever forget you, I want to be transformed into a better Christian person because of you. Your life will not be in vain, I will make sure, with God's Grace, that I am better person because I had you in my life. I love you, my little Emily.
Final Journey
This happened yesterday, 2nd September (Sunday).
We were told to be at the Serdang Hospital morgue at 9 am this morning. It was a hard night to sleep the night before (Saturday). I constantly cried. I felt if I had done things differently, she would still be here. I know it is too late to cry over spilled milk, but I feel like I had not done enough. Have I not been a good enough mother to her? My heart ached and felt it weighed a tonne. I literally cried myself to sleep, I think managed 2 hours of sleep.
So we reached the morgue slightly before 9am. The whole process finished at about 11.30am and we were allowed to receive her body. The cause of death was stated at broncho pneumonia. Our BEC members have arranged with the funeral service people the night before and with a few calls of confirmation and they were there waiting with us since about 10am. My close friends also came to lend me support there.
I had prepared a dress which I bought her a few weeks ago. A pretty little light brown checked frock. She had finally grown to a size when I can start fitting her into nice little dresses which I had been buying for her but alas, she only got to wear this one. The funeral service people helped us dress her up in the morgue release room. I hesitated but with my hubby's reassurance that she looked fine, I finally gained courage to see her body in the room. She looked beautiful in the pretty dress and white lace socks, I touched and gave final kisses to her little cold and lifeless body and she was lifted into the little casket. We placed her favourite little pillow and a small key toy in it with her. And we left the morgue to go to the church.
We arrived with the casket about 15 mins to 1 pm. It was placed beside the church hall while waiting for the funeral service at 4pm. Prayers were said for her by BEC members and friends, even the group of Myanmar people having their gathering there offered prayers for her. My older children arrived with my brother-in-law and my sister-in-law and her children also came. My mum, brothers and sister-in-law reached about 3 pm, my friends and some BEC members were already there since earlier. We moved to the main church and by now more BEC members, friends, colleagues have arrived. I placed a small Lady of Perpetual help pendant which Father blessed and gave to us a few months ago when Emily was sick and hospitalised. At 4pm, my hubby carried her casket and with Father, followed by the my children and I and the rest of the congregation, we entered the church main hall. It was the most beautiful Mass, Father's homily after the Gospel reading, was the most beautiful one that I had ever heard from him. He depicted little Emily as the pretty tiny flower in a pot that GOD so loved, watched over and waited for and finally brought HOME with HIM. He said Emily through her 5 months of life (5 months and 9 days actually) has brought my family so much closer to each other and to GOD, she has brought together and affected so many BEC members.We witnessed this in the beautiful Mass which although was so hastily arranged, had seen so many people come together to make it such a beautiful one that my family and I are so very thankful and grateful for. I cried at his words, my 4 year old daughter asked me not to cry because Emily is in heaven.
The Mass ended, and hubby carried her casket to entrance of the church and everyone present blessed and looked at my peaceful and beautiful little baby before the casket was closed up and brought to the burial ground a short drive from the church. Father came and conducted the burial rites, hubby placed the casket into the dug grave. My boys put in handwritten messages for their little sister and witnessed by so many people, she was buried.
It was the most beautiful Mass and burial that I can ever imagined. Emily's final journey in this harsh world was a most beautiful one.
BEC members came to say Rosary prayers for Emily at our house and will continue to do so for 7 days from Saturday.
We were told to be at the Serdang Hospital morgue at 9 am this morning. It was a hard night to sleep the night before (Saturday). I constantly cried. I felt if I had done things differently, she would still be here. I know it is too late to cry over spilled milk, but I feel like I had not done enough. Have I not been a good enough mother to her? My heart ached and felt it weighed a tonne. I literally cried myself to sleep, I think managed 2 hours of sleep.
So we reached the morgue slightly before 9am. The whole process finished at about 11.30am and we were allowed to receive her body. The cause of death was stated at broncho pneumonia. Our BEC members have arranged with the funeral service people the night before and with a few calls of confirmation and they were there waiting with us since about 10am. My close friends also came to lend me support there.
I had prepared a dress which I bought her a few weeks ago. A pretty little light brown checked frock. She had finally grown to a size when I can start fitting her into nice little dresses which I had been buying for her but alas, she only got to wear this one. The funeral service people helped us dress her up in the morgue release room. I hesitated but with my hubby's reassurance that she looked fine, I finally gained courage to see her body in the room. She looked beautiful in the pretty dress and white lace socks, I touched and gave final kisses to her little cold and lifeless body and she was lifted into the little casket. We placed her favourite little pillow and a small key toy in it with her. And we left the morgue to go to the church.
We arrived with the casket about 15 mins to 1 pm. It was placed beside the church hall while waiting for the funeral service at 4pm. Prayers were said for her by BEC members and friends, even the group of Myanmar people having their gathering there offered prayers for her. My older children arrived with my brother-in-law and my sister-in-law and her children also came. My mum, brothers and sister-in-law reached about 3 pm, my friends and some BEC members were already there since earlier. We moved to the main church and by now more BEC members, friends, colleagues have arrived. I placed a small Lady of Perpetual help pendant which Father blessed and gave to us a few months ago when Emily was sick and hospitalised. At 4pm, my hubby carried her casket and with Father, followed by the my children and I and the rest of the congregation, we entered the church main hall. It was the most beautiful Mass, Father's homily after the Gospel reading, was the most beautiful one that I had ever heard from him. He depicted little Emily as the pretty tiny flower in a pot that GOD so loved, watched over and waited for and finally brought HOME with HIM. He said Emily through her 5 months of life (5 months and 9 days actually) has brought my family so much closer to each other and to GOD, she has brought together and affected so many BEC members.We witnessed this in the beautiful Mass which although was so hastily arranged, had seen so many people come together to make it such a beautiful one that my family and I are so very thankful and grateful for. I cried at his words, my 4 year old daughter asked me not to cry because Emily is in heaven.
The Mass ended, and hubby carried her casket to entrance of the church and everyone present blessed and looked at my peaceful and beautiful little baby before the casket was closed up and brought to the burial ground a short drive from the church. Father came and conducted the burial rites, hubby placed the casket into the dug grave. My boys put in handwritten messages for their little sister and witnessed by so many people, she was buried.
It was the most beautiful Mass and burial that I can ever imagined. Emily's final journey in this harsh world was a most beautiful one.
BEC members came to say Rosary prayers for Emily at our house and will continue to do so for 7 days from Saturday.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
In Ever Loving Memory...
I have not finished my post that I was writing on Thursday, I just posted it half-finished just now. Today is 1st September 2012, Saturday. Today is a day I wished a hundred things could be different. I wished I had done things that I didn't, I wished I had been wiser, if only I knew...
1st September 2012, is by far the hardest day ever in my life. Today, my baby Emily stopped breathing in my arms. It's been a surreal day. I am still not completely in terms with the fact that I have lost her, my lovely princess Emily darling, for good. My brain is not thinking much, it's pretty empty now. Tired, my heart seems to have sunk very low at the moment.
My good Lord, please have mercy on her soul, bring and keep her with You in heaven. My Emily, mummy is sorry for bringing you to this world and causing you so much suffering for the short 5+ months of your life. We will never forget you, we will love you always and forever. We will meet again one day, I LOVE YOU, I AM SORRY.............
1st September 2012, is by far the hardest day ever in my life. Today, my baby Emily stopped breathing in my arms. It's been a surreal day. I am still not completely in terms with the fact that I have lost her, my lovely princess Emily darling, for good. My brain is not thinking much, it's pretty empty now. Tired, my heart seems to have sunk very low at the moment.
My good Lord, please have mercy on her soul, bring and keep her with You in heaven. My Emily, mummy is sorry for bringing you to this world and causing you so much suffering for the short 5+ months of your life. We will never forget you, we will love you always and forever. We will meet again one day, I LOVE YOU, I AM SORRY.............
On Thursday
Emily is 5 months plus a week old today. She is having a cough and making her more cranky. She got the cough from me, unfortunately. I couldn't cure my cough which has been going on for more than a month now. So sorry to see her coughing, feeding her medicine is also very hard, she will spurt it out most of the time. It's a hard week, MIL overly worried and hubby said we should take care of her ourselves, so I had to take 2 days off and hubby, 1. Luckily Friday is a holiday, so save one day leave. Next Monday will be her check up at Paeds in Hospital. If she is not better then, the Paediatrician can check her again. Hopefully, it won't turn into something serious.
I have checked out Kiwanis Foundation, printed out the forms required for Emily to join in. From my phone enquiry to the centre, looks like for infants, the therapy is weekly while for toddlers is 3 times per week. I am not sure yet how this will work out because I don't know if they conduct the therapy on weekends or weekdays. How will we manage if they only have it on week days? Both of us work, so I really don't know.
I have checked out Kiwanis Foundation, printed out the forms required for Emily to join in. From my phone enquiry to the centre, looks like for infants, the therapy is weekly while for toddlers is 3 times per week. I am not sure yet how this will work out because I don't know if they conduct the therapy on weekends or weekdays. How will we manage if they only have it on week days? Both of us work, so I really don't know.
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