Still missing her...

It's been a long while since I posted anything here. So many things going on, my littlest one just turned 2. My daily routine is pretty hectic, fetching kids to and from daycare before and after work.

My Emily would have also just turned 4 on 23rd March 2016.

We went to her grave on her birthday. Still thinking and missing her often.

Just today, I saw a posting on FB of someone's child that reminded me of Emily. I feel the lost again. I am not sure whether it was a good thing or a bad thing that she has left us to be with the saints in heaven. Did we not do enough to keep her with us? Did my secret thought that it might be a good thing if she didn't survive could have anything to do with her leaving this world? Am I being punished for that secret thought? I feel extremely guilty of ever having those kinds of thoughts. Will you forgive me, my baby?

I often think how life would have been if she was still with us. How well she would have grown and how tested we would have been as a family. I don't know what to do to make up for everything, God only can help me. I am sorry I wasn't a better mother to you, Emily. Forgive me and pray for me, your daddy and your siblings.

I love you.

Remembering Emily on her birthday

It's 1 year and 10 months since my last posting, not that anyone notices. But anyway, it's been a long almost 2 years from this blog which is dedicated to my daughter Emily who has since passed on.

Yesterday was her birthday, she would have been 3. We were hard pressed for time but didn't want to miss visiting her grave on this important date. I didn't have time to get fresh flowers but on the father's suggestion, I drove to the nursery nearby my workplace and got a few pots of flowering plants instead. It was decided that we will plant them beside her grave.

After work, we carted the whole family to the grave yard and have the 2 flowering plants planted and watered at each side of her grave. I hope they will survive, at least longer than cut flowers. We said some prayers and had to rush back home for dinner and also to avoid been attacked by mosquitoes at the evening hours.

We have an addition to our family since last year, a new baby daughter who just touched one year a few days ago! In many ways, the new baby has made us very busy but very happy as well. It has helped heal the pain and emptiness in my heart and I think for my husband too. Thank you GOD for your gift to our family, we are blessed again.

I was telling my older children while on the way back from the grave yard that Emily is a Saint and she is in heaven. My 7 year old asked me how do I know (kids nowadays...). I went on to explain about heaven, earth and purgatory and how Emily who is baptised and without sins and she has a passport straight to heaven. I don't know if I have convinced my 7 year old, who is also doubting that the tooth fairy gave her RM 2 for fallen her tooth that day, but at least I tried my best to answer and hope their faith will grow stronger as they grow older and wiser.

Saint Emily, watch over us, pray for us and pray with us, Amen.

Never far from my mind

A long time ago, a friend of mine lost her dad to a prolonged illness and she seems to never get over it. I remember thinking to myself, isn't it taking her too long to recover? Now I realise that you can never recover from a lost of a loved one, you just adapt and move on. The funny thing about human beings and our complicated brains is that even though you are missing and loving someone who is no longer with you, you are still able to go through your life in a seemingly normal manner. You can still enjoy a movie, chat with friends, play with your kids. You can even quarrel over small matters, get obsessed in the hottest topic in town, shout at  the kids. You can work and go about your business normally but thoughts of your lost loved one is never far from your mind. It's like you subconsciousness, she is always there. 

My dearest Emily,


You are never far from my mind. I think of you everyday, EVERYDAY! Pray for me, daddy and your brothers and sister so that we will always walk in the path towards heaven, our ultimate destiny. We love you and miss you dearly.

Love,
Mummy.

What IFs

I still miss Emily everyday. Everyday, without fail, I think of her. Today, especially, my heart aches for her. So many What IFs came to my mind as I drive to work today. What if she was a healthy and normal little girl? She would still be here with us, just over 10 months old, what a joy she would have been to us. What would she look like? Would she have more hair or still very little?

Memories of her dying in my arms, her funeral mass, her burial played in my mind today. What if we did everything differently that day, would she be saved? If she was saved, I would be busy probably running between work and home and probably the hospital too but at least I have her here to hold and to kiss, to smell and to tickle. I would also be looking into aspects of getting early intervention for her so that she can grow up as normal as possible. Lots of worries, lots of fears, but nothing I would not handle for her.

So many What IFs but nothing is the same anymore. I want things to be different in a good way for her sake. Someone once said to me, there's nothing wrong in feeling the pain of the loss of someone you love. It's how you channel the suffering and pain that will matter. I put them all up to the Lord.

Complete...

Last Saturday we went to Emily burial site to meet the tombstone maker. He completed the construction of Emily's tombstone. Except for a little touch up required here and there, it was done well. Paid him the rest of the money and he promised to do the touch up in these few days. The grave looks pretty and I bought some pretty flowers for it too. It is now complete. We have done everything for her for her short earthly life.

Not a day passed without thoughts of her coming to my mind. When I look through some of her photos, tears well up in my eyes. I still miss her and always will.

Pray for us and with us my little Saint Emily. Keep a look out for your brothers and sister here on earth, keep them safe and healthy. May all of us spend eternity together when our earthly lives are done. Lots of love, mummy.

Holy Innocents

I have not forgotten you, Emily. I still think of you everyday. Sometimes very much. I miss you dearly. A few days ago, I dreamt of you, for the first time in the 3 months+ since you went to heaven. You came back alive and it was like a miracle since I remembered in the dream that you have died and was buried. But I was still very happy to be able to hold and smell you, it seemed so real. You were like what I remembered you but bigger :). In some strange way, I actually felt that it eased some of my longings for you.

But don't worry about mummy, because mummy is doing fine. Missing you has become part of my life and I don't mind that at all. The priest said that God sent everyone to this world for a reason and I want to believe that you came into ours to make us closer to God. I must thank God for the gift of my Emily. I am motivated to work harder to get to heaven to be with her.

When I pray now, I don't pray for her, I pray through her because she is a little angel (or rather, saint) now. My very own saint in heaven. I ask her to pray for us, to keep her brothers and sisters safe and healthy. To guide mummy and daddy to be more faithful followers of Christ, never ever to forget that we will always have you. I love you, my baby.

The tomb maker came back to us a week plus ago and showed us the inscribed marble stone for your tomb, it came out just the way I designed. They are making the structure as we speak now. So it should be completed today.

The other day, I saw a posting about Holy Innocents and I would like to end with that prayer, for all the babies and children who have died. especially for the young children killed in the shooting at Connecticut:

A Prayer To The Holy Innocents

Holy Innocents, you died before you were old enough to know what life means, pray for all children who die young that God may gather them into His loving arms.

Holy Innocents, you were killed because one man was filled with hatred, pray for those who hate that God may touch their hearts and fill them with love.

Holy Innocents, you experienced a violent death, pray for all who are affected by violence that they may find peace and love.

Holy Innocents, your parents grieved for you with deep and lasting sorrow, pray for all parents who have lost young children that God may wrap a warm blanket of comfort around them.

Holy Innocents, those around you certainly felt helpless to prevent your deaths, pray for all who feel helpless in their circumstances that they may cling to God for courage and hope.

Holy Innocents, you who are now in Heaven, pray for all of us that one day we may join you there to bask in God's love forever.

Amen.

 

Mark 10:14

We called the contact for the tombstone maker I got from a funeral house who posted their ad in the Herald. Although we had another contact, we decided to just contact one of them. We met with the tombstone maker on Saturday and after some quick discussion and negotiation, we decided the design and price on the spot. I have just sent them by email the inscription and design to be engraved on the marble display on her grave. It is a simple design with some flowers.

I still think of Emily often but it is not as painful anymore. She is already in her final and eternal destiny, she is a little Saint now. There is no reason to mourn or be sad anymore. The sadness I am feeling is more of the human kind, the ache in my heart is because of me feeling the loss of my baby from my arms. It is a selfish kind of sadness because I am only thinking about how I feel. Instead I should be happy that she is privileged to be given a passport straight to Heaven while those of us still here have to work real hard to get the same chance.

Of course it was only natural for me to feel the pain and suffering from this loss but prolonged sadness doesn't seem right. So I have decided that I will allow myself to be sad for maybe 10% of the time while the 90% of the time when I think of Emily, I should be glad and thank GOD for the gift of Emily to us. I pray that GOD will bless me, and my husband, and guide us to become better witnesses of Christ through all means, from words to deeds. My little Saint Emily, pray for us and watch over your brothers and sister.

Inscription for Emily's Grave