Getting On...

Pretty flowers...

I bought some pretty purple and pink flowers for Emily's grave on the morning of the 40th day of her passing, on Wednesday.  Took half day off to prepare food for our BEC members who came to our house for rosary prayers for the day too. The days are getting on fine for all of us. I have a lot more free time now. I even started piano lessons, something which I have been meaning to do for awhile. We have plenty of things to do in the house which we will be doing little by little every weekend.

I still miss her often but it's not too hard now. Sometimes I wonder why God gave Emily to us only to take her away so quickly. But that's how God works, we can never really understand it with our limited capacity. Someone said to me, I still have 3 kids that need my attention. That may be true, but I still miss having a young baby. Even before Emily's passing, I had this thought of adopting a baby and my husband agreed too. So if the opportunity comes and a baby is in need of a family, we are opened to it.

I want to change because I had Emily in my life, I want to get more involved in anything that I can help out. Whether it's for charity or for Church. Next time, when there is a call for volunteers for a cause that I feel strongly about, I will take a step forward and offer my help. So I pray to our Heavenly Father, take me and guide me to do Your work. Amen.

Nearly One Month...

28th Sept: Almost 1 month has gone by since Emily departed from us. Things have fallen back to the same old routine as before her birth. I am not rushing as much and we are managing ok without any help. My kids are all sent to day-care and my MIL cooks dinner for us. So she is pretty relaxed now which is how it should be for her anyway.

I, of course, still miss Emily. I think of her everyday. Sometimes with great remorse and sorrow and sometimes with just a tinge of sadness. She was looking so healthy and recovering so well from her surgery that I had no way of knowing she was in danger. I keep asking myself and my hubby if I had done enough for her. But I also know that there was nothing I wouldn't do if I could, to save her.

I think I would go to her grave this Sunday again to put some lovely flowers on it. Emily, I know you are in heaven now and you can see us here. You are a saint now and I should be praying for your intercession. Please bring all your brothers and sister and papa and mommy to Our Heavenly Father's attention. Ask Our Father to have mercy on us, guide us and protect us from illness and harm. Help us to become faithful Christians and always walk in the rightful path. When we are lost, guide us back to the correct way so that we all may end up together with you in Heaven for eternity. I love you, Emily.

Am I fine?

15th Sept: Yesterday, a colleague came by my office to see me while I was chatting happily with friends in the office. She gave me her condolences and a small envelope containing a card and a prayer book on grieving. The day before, in a video conferencing meeting with our UK colleagues, a lady asked about how my family was without knowing about my baby's recent demise. I told her that we lost our baby and that was a very awkward moment, more for the nice lady who asked that question. I felt bad for her. Earlier in the week, another colleague saw me at the car park while I was going home and came over to hug me. I just smiled and nodded as she gave some consoling words.

Through all these small happenings, I am reminded of Emily and the reality that she is no longer with me. I know all of them are well meaning but they gave me a sense of guilt. I am supposed to be in grief but I seem to be getting on with life fine.

Before I went back to work last week, I told myself I will allow myself to grief for a week. We will pray for Emily for a week and put her picture beside the altar for a week. And that was what we did, I did not think of anything but Emily and stare at her picture at home for long periods for a whole week. At the end of the week, we put her picture amongst the baby pictures of her other siblings and went to the cemetery with some pretty flowers.

The work week begun and I didn't know if I would be able to join my lunch buddies for lunch. Work kept me busy, I had lots of things to handle, so time passed easily. When lunch time came, I felt I was back to my old self and joined them for lunch, and did so for the rest of the week too. The conversations were our usual comical nonsense and I found myself joking and laughing. All the time, I felt self-conscious of being judged as a mother who has gotten over her baby's death all too quickly. I know of course none of this actually happened, it was just me thinking crazy stuff.

This morning, I started to replay the events that happened around her death in my head again. Thoughts of 'if I did this' and 'if we didn't do that she would still be alive' came to my mind. I imagined how it would be like if she is still here, she would be at that spot and I would be feeding her or playing with her at that moment.

This cycle of happy, guilty, sad for me may continue forever. It's probably not healthy and if I do not allow myself to feel the moment and to grief fully, I may always be feeling awful from time to time like this. Is there a way that parents can best do to cope with the lost of a child? I searched online and found this useful article:

http://www.athealth.com/consumer/disorders/parentalgrief.html

Most of what the article say is so true. I hope my hubby reads it too. You know, even now, I still cannot imagine how any parent can ever cope with the lost of a child and I JUST LOST A BABY. So that is how lost I am, I thought I am strong, but am I? I am just confused for the moment, I really don't know how to feel or think. But ultimately, I know what I need to achieve, i.e. as part of the conclusion of the article above stated and I quoted here: 

What has happened (death of their child) to these parents has changed their lives; they will never see life the same way; they will never be the same people. As they attempt to move forward, bereaved parents realize they are survivors and have been strong enough to endure what is probably life's harshest blow. By addressing their grief and coping with it, they struggle to continue this journey while making this devastating loss part of their own personal history, a part of their life's story, a part of their very being.

For the moment, I am not losing it yet. I think it's bearable, albeit confusing. I still am able to take this emotional roller coaster ride. But if I don't feel better after a significant amount of time, I may look for a counselor for guidance. Or maybe a priest or a religious person.

But honestly, for all that has happened, I AM THANKFUL TO GOD ALMIGHTY. Many things could have been worse. I am thankful that we arranged for Emily's baptism earlier on. I am thankful that she died in my arms instead of someone else, that person could be traumatised for life! Most of all, without the belief that Emily is now at the BEST PLACE EVER and without the belief that GOD is ever merciful and loving towards everyone, including me, I think I would be in a worse condition that I am in now.

My Lord, God, help me through the months and even years to come. Guide me and mold me to be a changed person that love and trust YOU and YOUR plans. If YOU beat me down then please lift me up and make me wiser and make me more faithful to THEE. Amen.

Missing my baby...

10th Sept: I went back to work today, had lots of work, so kept me busy. It was an okay day, I managed to work well with no problem. I did get a few emails and people asking me how I am coping, I managed to give short and polite answers. On the way home from work, I thought to myself that I am getting back with life too quickly. I just lost Emily 9 days ago! After dinner, I watched the drama series at home and did not think of her. But as I was about to go to bed, I started to miss her again. Her chuckles when I tickle her, her smile when I move her legs in mock exercise. How she loved her bath time. Tears started to roll down my cheeks. I miss her dearly. I think I won't stop missing her for a long long time..

Regrets

7th September 2012: Today is the 7th day of Emily's passing. We will attend the evening Mass today and the BEC/Zone members will be here for the last of the 7-day Rosary prayers tonight at our home. My hubby has started work after 4 days of compassionate leave. I took additional 2 days on top of my three days compassionate leave. I do not think I will be ready to face concerned colleagues who may asked about how I feel. I am afraid I may cry, and that wouldn't be very good in office. I don't know how things will be next week in office, but I have plenty of work to do. I hope I can keep myself busy with work and not think of Emily too much during work.

There are several honest confession that I want to make here. My real feelings and thoughts that I feel I should write down because I know parents facing the same issues as us will in some way or another have similiar feeling/thoughts and I just hope it helps them to know that they are not alone. I was there once too.

Honestly, during the few months of Emily's life here in this world, I have had thoughts on several occasions that if she was not born or if she did not survive her heart surgery, it would have been better than having her growing up and suffer discrimination, bullying and more health issues. I also had thoughts that if she out-survived us, her parents, who will be her fort, her dependency, how can she fend for herself? I feel like a bad mother for feeling this way and I quickly pushed these thoughts away. I asked my hubby if he had the same thoughts, he said never. And you know what, I believe him. He is not one who over-think things. He said the only thing he thought of was to create a small business (specifically, a convenience store) that we can pass down to her for her survival when we are too old to work or when we are gone from this world.

It never dawned on me that her life with us could be so short. We have had difficulty getting permanent help to care for her. Because of her heart condition and her syndrome, I understand that people will be reluctant to take care of her. I think my MIL reluctantly agreed to help us take care of her while my mum sympathised with us and helped in her care for a week at a time, several times over the months. We paid the agency some 4 months ago for a Filipino maid but she changed her mind at the last minute. We already applied for a new one and were to wait another 2 months but now there is not need of a maid anymore, we have cancelled the application. Sometimes, this feels like it has been planned.

Prior to her death, I was having a pro-longed bad cough (and still having it). I was coughing over a month. Seen doctors 3 times, tried the sensei's medication, tried all sorts of cough mixture but it stayed. It wasn't causing anything more that irritation to me. Although I never deliberately cough on Emily, I did not use mask or anything like that. I remember thinking to myself that it will be inconvenient and plus my 4 year old was also coughing so it would be pointless cause Emily will get the cough from someone else if not from me. I also thought that she needs to go through some coughs and colds in order to build up her immune system. There are lots of nasty microbes out there, she will need to have a better immune system to survive this world. When she finally got her cough a week plus ago, I knew it will take time to heal but I never thought that it will lead to her death. I am so so very sorry for that. I especially regret that after all her hardship, her long stay in hospitals, her open heart surgery which she survived, she succumbed to a cough. She was doing so well after her surgery, getting chubbier by the day from my EBM. I honestly, never thought it was such a serious cough. If I knew, believe me I would not have let this happened. When the doctors pronounced her dead in the hospital, I wailed uncontrollably and I keep saying it was my fault. I told my hubby it was my fault that she died, my hubby wouldn't let me think like that.

Now that she is gone, nothing would bring her back. I know that nothing can happen against GOD's will. There must be reasons why things turn out the way it is. The only consolation that makes my grief bearable is that she IS amongst the saints and angels in heaven now. That I am absolutely sure. And because of that I have no other choice but to make sure I can also go to heaven when my time comes so that I can see her again.

Emily, please forgive me for not being a good mum to you and caused you so much hardship. I would gladly take your place and suffer in your place, if I could. I hope you could feel our love for you throughout the months even though you were just a baby. Emily, I love you sooooo, sooooo much. Forgive me...

Beautiful Images of Millie-girl

I am feeling better. I have been attending the daily morning Mass for the past few days at the suggestion of a BEC member and I vouch that it has worked wonders for me. I felt more at peace with myself. I have been sleeping better too. I got 5 hours sleep the night before and 8 hours last night.

Yesterday morning, we went to the cemetery to place some flowers on her grave. Cried at the sight of the little grave of hers. We will make a nice little concrete grave for her in a few months from now, after the ground has set. I was telling my hubby, we should visit her grave often so that we do not forget her. Planning to do so again this Saturday, exactly one week from her passing.

The prayers are still ongoing at our house every evening. The BEC/zone members are such wonderful people and we are so blessed to have them in our community. My hubby's godfather, big P, who is always the life of the party, is a big man with a even bigger heart. He has been here daily. Aunty A, the most lovely God-loving lady who treats me like one of her daughters, has been giving me lovely words of encouragement. And the many other BEC and zone members who have been so supportive even though we may not know each other so well. My close friend, A, who is also a Catholic but living in a different place, said that she should be joining her BEC activities after seeing how our BEC/Zone members have been so supportive to our family at these times. I hope she does that because, being a Christian is about community living, people unified by their faith and love for Christ and these people form the Church.

These few days, I also realised how wonderful my hubby is. I just told him, you are not a perfect man but you are a perfect husband for me. With him by my side, the burden of this whole difficulty journey I have traveled in the past few months and especially the last few days has been lightened by half. I guess it is the same for him too and that is what marriage is about, sharing everything... for better for worse...

I still stare at her picture near the altar at home for long periods. I talk to her picture and I cry. I am not ready to put thoughts of her away. After the 7 days prayers complete, I will put her picture amongst our family photos displayed in our house. I know when time passes, I will be able to talk fondly and proudly about her with family and friends, without the grief that I feel now. I am recalling all her special traits, her beautiful smile, her lovely laugh and her cute pout. I want these beautiful images of my Millie-girl (that was what I called her) engrained into my brain, of course the many pictures I took of her will help, lest my memory starts to fade.

And this blog which I started a few months back with the purpose of recording our journey with Emily will be fondly read from time to time to remember her by. A thought came to me 2 days ago, I think I should get this blog published into a booklet of something, so that I can share my experience with parents out there who may be facing difficult times like us. I hope that someone, even if it is just one person out there, find this helpful, it will be a worthy effort. I am  not sure yet how this can be done, but I will try. I have a few more thoughts that I want to enter into this blog before I close it for good.

Another hard day...

3rd Sept 2012: I did not sleep at all the night before, I tried but millions of thoughts were passing through my brain at the speed of light and I could feel the weight of it all between my brows. Guilt, regrets, scary thoughts, what I want to do in her remembrance, I don't know and so much more... I tried to imagine our Mother Mary's face so I can calm my mind, but it didn't worked. I think I didn't sleep at all. At 6.30 am, I got up and went to church for the 7 am daily Mass. That worked wonders, I felt better.

We went to register her death with JPN, it was completed by about 1.30pm. The Government Clinic nurse visited us for documents for their records. She was such a kind lady. I really appreciate the goodwill and kindness that I have witnessed in so many people be it in hospitals, clinics or any government agencies, etc. during these past months. I now have renewed faith in the goodness within people in general which I thought had disappeared from mankind.

A few of my colleagues and my hubby's visited at different times of the day. In the evening, we conducted the Day 3 prayers. By 10 pm, I was out cold. I managed a good 5 hours of sleep that night.

Emily, from where you are, watch over us. I don't want to ever forget you, I want to be transformed into a better Christian person because of you. Your life will not be in vain, I will make sure, with God's Grace, that I am better person because I had you in my life. I love you, my little Emily.