Regrets

7th September 2012: Today is the 7th day of Emily's passing. We will attend the evening Mass today and the BEC/Zone members will be here for the last of the 7-day Rosary prayers tonight at our home. My hubby has started work after 4 days of compassionate leave. I took additional 2 days on top of my three days compassionate leave. I do not think I will be ready to face concerned colleagues who may asked about how I feel. I am afraid I may cry, and that wouldn't be very good in office. I don't know how things will be next week in office, but I have plenty of work to do. I hope I can keep myself busy with work and not think of Emily too much during work.

There are several honest confession that I want to make here. My real feelings and thoughts that I feel I should write down because I know parents facing the same issues as us will in some way or another have similiar feeling/thoughts and I just hope it helps them to know that they are not alone. I was there once too.

Honestly, during the few months of Emily's life here in this world, I have had thoughts on several occasions that if she was not born or if she did not survive her heart surgery, it would have been better than having her growing up and suffer discrimination, bullying and more health issues. I also had thoughts that if she out-survived us, her parents, who will be her fort, her dependency, how can she fend for herself? I feel like a bad mother for feeling this way and I quickly pushed these thoughts away. I asked my hubby if he had the same thoughts, he said never. And you know what, I believe him. He is not one who over-think things. He said the only thing he thought of was to create a small business (specifically, a convenience store) that we can pass down to her for her survival when we are too old to work or when we are gone from this world.

It never dawned on me that her life with us could be so short. We have had difficulty getting permanent help to care for her. Because of her heart condition and her syndrome, I understand that people will be reluctant to take care of her. I think my MIL reluctantly agreed to help us take care of her while my mum sympathised with us and helped in her care for a week at a time, several times over the months. We paid the agency some 4 months ago for a Filipino maid but she changed her mind at the last minute. We already applied for a new one and were to wait another 2 months but now there is not need of a maid anymore, we have cancelled the application. Sometimes, this feels like it has been planned.

Prior to her death, I was having a pro-longed bad cough (and still having it). I was coughing over a month. Seen doctors 3 times, tried the sensei's medication, tried all sorts of cough mixture but it stayed. It wasn't causing anything more that irritation to me. Although I never deliberately cough on Emily, I did not use mask or anything like that. I remember thinking to myself that it will be inconvenient and plus my 4 year old was also coughing so it would be pointless cause Emily will get the cough from someone else if not from me. I also thought that she needs to go through some coughs and colds in order to build up her immune system. There are lots of nasty microbes out there, she will need to have a better immune system to survive this world. When she finally got her cough a week plus ago, I knew it will take time to heal but I never thought that it will lead to her death. I am so so very sorry for that. I especially regret that after all her hardship, her long stay in hospitals, her open heart surgery which she survived, she succumbed to a cough. She was doing so well after her surgery, getting chubbier by the day from my EBM. I honestly, never thought it was such a serious cough. If I knew, believe me I would not have let this happened. When the doctors pronounced her dead in the hospital, I wailed uncontrollably and I keep saying it was my fault. I told my hubby it was my fault that she died, my hubby wouldn't let me think like that.

Now that she is gone, nothing would bring her back. I know that nothing can happen against GOD's will. There must be reasons why things turn out the way it is. The only consolation that makes my grief bearable is that she IS amongst the saints and angels in heaven now. That I am absolutely sure. And because of that I have no other choice but to make sure I can also go to heaven when my time comes so that I can see her again.

Emily, please forgive me for not being a good mum to you and caused you so much hardship. I would gladly take your place and suffer in your place, if I could. I hope you could feel our love for you throughout the months even though you were just a baby. Emily, I love you sooooo, sooooo much. Forgive me...