It's been a long while since I posted anything here. So many things going on, my littlest one just turned 2. My daily routine is pretty hectic, fetching kids to and from daycare before and after work.
My Emily would have also just turned 4 on 23rd March 2016.
We went to her grave on her birthday. Still thinking and missing her often.
Just today, I saw a posting on FB of someone's child that reminded me of Emily. I feel the lost again. I am not sure whether it was a good thing or a bad thing that she has left us to be with the saints in heaven. Did we not do enough to keep her with us? Did my secret thought that it might be a good thing if she didn't survive could have anything to do with her leaving this world? Am I being punished for that secret thought? I feel extremely guilty of ever having those kinds of thoughts. Will you forgive me, my baby?
I often think how life would have been if she was still with us. How well she would have grown and how tested we would have been as a family. I don't know what to do to make up for everything, God only can help me. I am sorry I wasn't a better mother to you, Emily. Forgive me and pray for me, your daddy and your siblings.
I love you.
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