What IFs

I still miss Emily everyday. Everyday, without fail, I think of her. Today, especially, my heart aches for her. So many What IFs came to my mind as I drive to work today. What if she was a healthy and normal little girl? She would still be here with us, just over 10 months old, what a joy she would have been to us. What would she look like? Would she have more hair or still very little?

Memories of her dying in my arms, her funeral mass, her burial played in my mind today. What if we did everything differently that day, would she be saved? If she was saved, I would be busy probably running between work and home and probably the hospital too but at least I have her here to hold and to kiss, to smell and to tickle. I would also be looking into aspects of getting early intervention for her so that she can grow up as normal as possible. Lots of worries, lots of fears, but nothing I would not handle for her.

So many What IFs but nothing is the same anymore. I want things to be different in a good way for her sake. Someone once said to me, there's nothing wrong in feeling the pain of the loss of someone you love. It's how you channel the suffering and pain that will matter. I put them all up to the Lord.