It's been a long while since I posted anything here. So many things going on, my littlest one just turned 2. My daily routine is pretty hectic, fetching kids to and from daycare before and after work.
My Emily would have also just turned 4 on 23rd March 2016.
We went to her grave on her birthday. Still thinking and missing her often.
Just today, I saw a posting on FB of someone's child that reminded me of Emily. I feel the lost again. I am not sure whether it was a good thing or a bad thing that she has left us to be with the saints in heaven. Did we not do enough to keep her with us? Did my secret thought that it might be a good thing if she didn't survive could have anything to do with her leaving this world? Am I being punished for that secret thought? I feel extremely guilty of ever having those kinds of thoughts. Will you forgive me, my baby?
I often think how life would have been if she was still with us. How well she would have grown and how tested we would have been as a family. I don't know what to do to make up for everything, God only can help me. I am sorry I wasn't a better mother to you, Emily. Forgive me and pray for me, your daddy and your siblings.
I love you.
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
Remembering Emily on her birthday
It's 1 year and 10 months since my last posting, not that anyone notices. But anyway, it's been a long almost 2 years from this blog which is dedicated to my daughter Emily who has since passed on.
Yesterday was her birthday, she would have been 3. We were hard pressed for time but didn't want to miss visiting her grave on this important date. I didn't have time to get fresh flowers but on the father's suggestion, I drove to the nursery nearby my workplace and got a few pots of flowering plants instead. It was decided that we will plant them beside her grave.
After work, we carted the whole family to the grave yard and have the 2 flowering plants planted and watered at each side of her grave. I hope they will survive, at least longer than cut flowers. We said some prayers and had to rush back home for dinner and also to avoid been attacked by mosquitoes at the evening hours.
We have an addition to our family since last year, a new baby daughter who just touched one year a few days ago! In many ways, the new baby has made us very busy but very happy as well. It has helped heal the pain and emptiness in my heart and I think for my husband too. Thank you GOD for your gift to our family, we are blessed again.
I was telling my older children while on the way back from the grave yard that Emily is a Saint and she is in heaven. My 7 year old asked me how do I know (kids nowadays...). I went on to explain about heaven, earth and purgatory and how Emily who is baptised and without sins and she has a passport straight to heaven. I don't know if I have convinced my 7 year old, who is also doubting that the tooth fairy gave her RM 2 for fallen her tooth that day, but at least I tried my best to answer and hope their faith will grow stronger as they grow older and wiser.
Saint Emily, watch over us, pray for us and pray with us, Amen.
Yesterday was her birthday, she would have been 3. We were hard pressed for time but didn't want to miss visiting her grave on this important date. I didn't have time to get fresh flowers but on the father's suggestion, I drove to the nursery nearby my workplace and got a few pots of flowering plants instead. It was decided that we will plant them beside her grave.
After work, we carted the whole family to the grave yard and have the 2 flowering plants planted and watered at each side of her grave. I hope they will survive, at least longer than cut flowers. We said some prayers and had to rush back home for dinner and also to avoid been attacked by mosquitoes at the evening hours.
We have an addition to our family since last year, a new baby daughter who just touched one year a few days ago! In many ways, the new baby has made us very busy but very happy as well. It has helped heal the pain and emptiness in my heart and I think for my husband too. Thank you GOD for your gift to our family, we are blessed again.
I was telling my older children while on the way back from the grave yard that Emily is a Saint and she is in heaven. My 7 year old asked me how do I know (kids nowadays...). I went on to explain about heaven, earth and purgatory and how Emily who is baptised and without sins and she has a passport straight to heaven. I don't know if I have convinced my 7 year old, who is also doubting that the tooth fairy gave her RM 2 for fallen her tooth that day, but at least I tried my best to answer and hope their faith will grow stronger as they grow older and wiser.
Saint Emily, watch over us, pray for us and pray with us, Amen.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Never far from my mind
A long time ago, a friend of mine lost her dad to a prolonged illness and she seems to never get over it. I remember thinking to myself, isn't it taking her too long to recover? Now I realise that you can never recover from a lost of a loved one, you just adapt and move on. The funny thing about human beings and our complicated brains is that even though you are missing and loving someone who is no longer with you, you are still able to go through your life in a seemingly normal manner. You can still enjoy a movie, chat with friends, play with your kids. You can even quarrel over small matters, get obsessed in the hottest topic in town, shout at the kids. You can work and go about your business normally but thoughts of your lost loved one is never far from your mind. It's like you subconsciousness, she is always there.
My dearest Emily,
You are never far from my mind. I think of you everyday, EVERYDAY! Pray for me, daddy and your brothers and sister so that we will always walk in the path towards heaven, our ultimate destiny. We love you and miss you dearly.
Love,
Mummy.
My dearest Emily,
You are never far from my mind. I think of you everyday, EVERYDAY! Pray for me, daddy and your brothers and sister so that we will always walk in the path towards heaven, our ultimate destiny. We love you and miss you dearly.
Love,
Mummy.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
What IFs
I still miss Emily everyday. Everyday, without fail, I think of her. Today, especially, my heart aches for her. So many What IFs came to my mind as I drive to work today. What if she was a healthy and normal little girl? She would still be here with us, just over 10 months old, what a joy she would have been to us. What would she look like? Would she have more hair or still very little?
Memories of her dying in my arms, her funeral mass, her burial played in my mind today. What if we did everything differently that day, would she be saved? If she was saved, I would be busy probably running between work and home and probably the hospital too but at least I have her here to hold and to kiss, to smell and to tickle. I would also be looking into aspects of getting early intervention for her so that she can grow up as normal as possible. Lots of worries, lots of fears, but nothing I would not handle for her.
So many What IFs but nothing is the same anymore. I want things to be different in a good way for her sake. Someone once said to me, there's nothing wrong in feeling the pain of the loss of someone you love. It's how you channel the suffering and pain that will matter. I put them all up to the Lord.
Memories of her dying in my arms, her funeral mass, her burial played in my mind today. What if we did everything differently that day, would she be saved? If she was saved, I would be busy probably running between work and home and probably the hospital too but at least I have her here to hold and to kiss, to smell and to tickle. I would also be looking into aspects of getting early intervention for her so that she can grow up as normal as possible. Lots of worries, lots of fears, but nothing I would not handle for her.
So many What IFs but nothing is the same anymore. I want things to be different in a good way for her sake. Someone once said to me, there's nothing wrong in feeling the pain of the loss of someone you love. It's how you channel the suffering and pain that will matter. I put them all up to the Lord.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Complete...
Last Saturday we went to Emily burial site to meet the tombstone maker. He completed the construction of Emily's tombstone. Except for a little touch up required here and there, it was done well. Paid him the rest of the money and he promised to do the touch up in these few days. The grave looks pretty and I bought some pretty flowers for it too. It is now complete. We have done everything for her for her short earthly life.
Not a day passed without thoughts of her coming to my mind. When I look through some of her photos, tears well up in my eyes. I still miss her and always will.
Pray for us and with us my little Saint Emily. Keep a look out for your brothers and sister here on earth, keep them safe and healthy. May all of us spend eternity together when our earthly lives are done. Lots of love, mummy.
Not a day passed without thoughts of her coming to my mind. When I look through some of her photos, tears well up in my eyes. I still miss her and always will.
Pray for us and with us my little Saint Emily. Keep a look out for your brothers and sister here on earth, keep them safe and healthy. May all of us spend eternity together when our earthly lives are done. Lots of love, mummy.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Holy Innocents
I have not forgotten you, Emily. I still think of you everyday. Sometimes very much. I miss you dearly. A few days ago, I dreamt of you, for the first time in the 3 months+ since you went to heaven. You came back alive and it was like a miracle since I remembered in the dream that you have died and was buried. But I was still very happy to be able to hold and smell you, it seemed so real. You were like what I remembered you but bigger :). In some strange way, I actually felt that it eased some of my longings for you.
But don't worry about mummy, because mummy is doing fine. Missing you has become part of my life and I don't mind that at all. The priest said that God sent everyone to this world for a reason and I want to believe that you came into ours to make us closer to God. I must thank God for the gift of my Emily. I am motivated to work harder to get to heaven to be with her.
When I pray now, I don't pray for her, I pray through her because she is a little angel (or rather, saint) now. My very own saint in heaven. I ask her to pray for us, to keep her brothers and sisters safe and healthy. To guide mummy and daddy to be more faithful followers of Christ, never ever to forget that we will always have you. I love you, my baby.
The tomb maker came back to us a week plus ago and showed us the inscribed marble stone for your tomb, it came out just the way I designed. They are making the structure as we speak now. So it should be completed today.
The other day, I saw a posting about Holy Innocents and I would like to end with that prayer, for all the babies and children who have died. especially for the young children killed in the shooting at Connecticut:
But don't worry about mummy, because mummy is doing fine. Missing you has become part of my life and I don't mind that at all. The priest said that God sent everyone to this world for a reason and I want to believe that you came into ours to make us closer to God. I must thank God for the gift of my Emily. I am motivated to work harder to get to heaven to be with her.
When I pray now, I don't pray for her, I pray through her because she is a little angel (or rather, saint) now. My very own saint in heaven. I ask her to pray for us, to keep her brothers and sisters safe and healthy. To guide mummy and daddy to be more faithful followers of Christ, never ever to forget that we will always have you. I love you, my baby.
The tomb maker came back to us a week plus ago and showed us the inscribed marble stone for your tomb, it came out just the way I designed. They are making the structure as we speak now. So it should be completed today.
The other day, I saw a posting about Holy Innocents and I would like to end with that prayer, for all the babies and children who have died. especially for the young children killed in the shooting at Connecticut:
A Prayer To The Holy Innocents
Holy Innocents, you died before you were old enough to know what life means, pray for all children who die young that God may gather them into His loving arms.
Holy Innocents, you were killed because one man was filled with hatred, pray for those who hate that God may touch their hearts and fill them with love.Holy Innocents, you experienced a violent death, pray for all who are affected by violence that they may find peace and love.Holy Innocents, your parents grieved for you with deep and lasting sorrow, pray for all parents who have lost young children that God may wrap a warm blanket of comfort around them.Holy Innocents, those around you certainly felt helpless to prevent your deaths, pray for all who feel helpless in their circumstances that they may cling to God for courage and hope.Holy Innocents, you who are now in Heaven, pray for all of us that one day we may join you there to bask in God's love forever.Amen.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Mark 10:14
We called the contact for the tombstone maker I got from a funeral house who posted their ad in the Herald. Although we had another contact, we decided to just contact one of them. We met with the tombstone maker on Saturday and after some quick discussion and negotiation, we decided the design and price on the spot. I have just sent them by email the inscription and design to be engraved on the marble display on her grave. It is a simple design with some flowers.
I still think of Emily often but it is not as painful anymore. She is already in her final and eternal destiny, she is a little Saint now. There is no reason to mourn or be sad anymore. The sadness I am feeling is more of the human kind, the ache in my heart is because of me feeling the loss of my baby from my arms. It is a selfish kind of sadness because I am only thinking about how I feel. Instead I should be happy that she is privileged to be given a passport straight to Heaven while those of us still here have to work real hard to get the same chance.
Of course it was only natural for me to feel the pain and suffering from this loss but prolonged sadness doesn't seem right. So I have decided that I will allow myself to be sad for maybe 10% of the time while the 90% of the time when I think of Emily, I should be glad and thank GOD for the gift of Emily to us. I pray that GOD will bless me, and my husband, and guide us to become better witnesses of Christ through all means, from words to deeds. My little Saint Emily, pray for us and watch over your brothers and sister.
I still think of Emily often but it is not as painful anymore. She is already in her final and eternal destiny, she is a little Saint now. There is no reason to mourn or be sad anymore. The sadness I am feeling is more of the human kind, the ache in my heart is because of me feeling the loss of my baby from my arms. It is a selfish kind of sadness because I am only thinking about how I feel. Instead I should be happy that she is privileged to be given a passport straight to Heaven while those of us still here have to work real hard to get the same chance.
Of course it was only natural for me to feel the pain and suffering from this loss but prolonged sadness doesn't seem right. So I have decided that I will allow myself to be sad for maybe 10% of the time while the 90% of the time when I think of Emily, I should be glad and thank GOD for the gift of Emily to us. I pray that GOD will bless me, and my husband, and guide us to become better witnesses of Christ through all means, from words to deeds. My little Saint Emily, pray for us and watch over your brothers and sister.
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| Inscription for Emily's Grave |
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Lovely week...
Next Thursday is All Saints' Day and the day after that is All Souls' day. Today (Saturday), our Priest asked for help to gotong-royong (loosely translated to group cleaning-up) at the parish cemetery. So we carted the older 2 boys and my 4 year old princess to the cemetery to help out. It was a sunny morning and there was quite a good turn-out. We picked rubbish by hand into garbage bags under the hot morning sun and managed to gather quite a lot of rubbish! I am proud that my kids worked just as hard as their parents and between us 5, we picked 4 bags of them.
Sometimes, I feel slightly guilty and even a little hypocritical that we only come to help in the cemetery after we have a loved-one buried there. But I won't beat myself over this. It never occurred to me to participate in such activities before. Time was always the factor, or rather the lack of it. Actually, it was more an excuse. We have one hour to spend in front of the TV or on Facebook and we have none to spare for something more significant? I want to say I will never make this an excuse anymore but I know I am 'weak' and sometimes lazy, so I will say this: I will try and try to make time for anything and anyone in need.
At the cemetery, we saw some men building tombstone on a grave and I asked my hubby to get their contact. We will be putting up one for Emily's grave soon. I did some searching online for nice designs but hubby would like something simple. We'll see what the tombstone maker has to offer.
As a matter of coincidence, I read a Facebook post by my aunt a minute ago. It was a video about Pearl Joy Brown, a miracle baby. Of course, being the mushy type, I cried seeing the video. I also found her blog. But get some tissues because you will be moved to tears. What great courage and what a beautiful life that they are holding in their arms.
I miss you, Emily.
Oh yeah, I have nice news. We have been asked to be godparents to a beautiful baby boy named Alexander Tan who is almost 3 months old. We met him and his parents for the first time last week during our Rosary prayers at their house. His mother, an Indonesian (his dad is a Sarawakian Chinese), was busy being the host so I offered to hold the baby and ended up holding him the whole evening, GLADLY. He was such a happy baby and I was able to make him smile a lot. After awhile, I even made him sleep in my arms. He never wimped or cried one bit! It was such a joy to hold him, it does help ease a little of my pining for Emily. Alexander has yet to be baptised, so some of the BEC members suggested for us to be his godparents. I immediately said yes and I am very very happy, :). I think Alexander will be baptised in November, I can't wait to see him again.
Oh yes, we will be praying for baby Pearl Joy and her family. We have also been praying for a lady reader of my blog and her son who will be undergoing heart surgery in November. I am sold about prayers and I hope all of you are too. Pray lots and pray hard. GOD loves us all! Amen.
Sometimes, I feel slightly guilty and even a little hypocritical that we only come to help in the cemetery after we have a loved-one buried there. But I won't beat myself over this. It never occurred to me to participate in such activities before. Time was always the factor, or rather the lack of it. Actually, it was more an excuse. We have one hour to spend in front of the TV or on Facebook and we have none to spare for something more significant? I want to say I will never make this an excuse anymore but I know I am 'weak' and sometimes lazy, so I will say this: I will try and try to make time for anything and anyone in need.
At the cemetery, we saw some men building tombstone on a grave and I asked my hubby to get their contact. We will be putting up one for Emily's grave soon. I did some searching online for nice designs but hubby would like something simple. We'll see what the tombstone maker has to offer.
As a matter of coincidence, I read a Facebook post by my aunt a minute ago. It was a video about Pearl Joy Brown, a miracle baby. Of course, being the mushy type, I cried seeing the video. I also found her blog. But get some tissues because you will be moved to tears. What great courage and what a beautiful life that they are holding in their arms.
I miss you, Emily.
Oh yeah, I have nice news. We have been asked to be godparents to a beautiful baby boy named Alexander Tan who is almost 3 months old. We met him and his parents for the first time last week during our Rosary prayers at their house. His mother, an Indonesian (his dad is a Sarawakian Chinese), was busy being the host so I offered to hold the baby and ended up holding him the whole evening, GLADLY. He was such a happy baby and I was able to make him smile a lot. After awhile, I even made him sleep in my arms. He never wimped or cried one bit! It was such a joy to hold him, it does help ease a little of my pining for Emily. Alexander has yet to be baptised, so some of the BEC members suggested for us to be his godparents. I immediately said yes and I am very very happy, :). I think Alexander will be baptised in November, I can't wait to see him again.
Oh yes, we will be praying for baby Pearl Joy and her family. We have also been praying for a lady reader of my blog and her son who will be undergoing heart surgery in November. I am sold about prayers and I hope all of you are too. Pray lots and pray hard. GOD loves us all! Amen.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Emptiness
Yeah, I am getting on with life. Things are as they should be. I am busy getting the kids to school/daycare in the mornings. Work also is pretty busy, and lunchtime with my lunch buddies are usually the highlight of the day. I will be busy picking the kids up in the evenings.
When we get home after having dinner at MIL's place, we will watch some TV before the kids go off to bed. Hubby always sleeps early too because he wakes up early to go to work. I usually have difficulty to sleep early, so I spend a few hours before bed watching Korean dramas online in our room. As much as I like watching them, I have to admit the real reason I do this is to wear myself out so that I can drop into bed and sleep straight away. But that doesn't always work. Last night, after watching 3 consecutive episodes, I felt tired but when I was on my bed trying to sleep, I started sobbing again. I miss my baby, Emily.
While driving to work too, I will think of her. When I am shopping and I see baby stuff or if I see someone's cute baby, I will think of her. When I am not occupied with something to do, thoughts of her come to me. And it still hurts in my heart and tear floods my eyes. I try looking for books form people with similar experience but they are not readily available. I looked for people who share their stories online and came to this site:
http://community.babycenter.com/groups/a6716015/down_syndrome_loss
I guess this should be normal for grieving mothers. I read that this could go on for 1 year. Yeah, I think time will make it easier but I will never feel the same. It feels like there is an emptiness inside you that cannot be filled. With time the emptiness may grow smaller but it will never fully heal and I supposed this is how it will be.
After all these happenings, I am still thankful to Our Father in Heaven. It is better to have and to lose than never to have at all. It was better that I had 5 months and 9 days of her alive with me than lesser. It was better that I had experienced all the emotions and trails, all the doubts and hardship than not having seen the kindness that exist amongst family and friends. It was better that we learn that money really didn't mean more to us than precious human life. I have a lot to be thankful for. Even for the current suffering I am going through (nice writeup on Finding God in suffering). I know it is better that I am going through it than to live life in spiritual complacency. Lord God, help me and guide me to experience Your love in every circumstance and to fully surrender to Your will.
When we get home after having dinner at MIL's place, we will watch some TV before the kids go off to bed. Hubby always sleeps early too because he wakes up early to go to work. I usually have difficulty to sleep early, so I spend a few hours before bed watching Korean dramas online in our room. As much as I like watching them, I have to admit the real reason I do this is to wear myself out so that I can drop into bed and sleep straight away. But that doesn't always work. Last night, after watching 3 consecutive episodes, I felt tired but when I was on my bed trying to sleep, I started sobbing again. I miss my baby, Emily.
While driving to work too, I will think of her. When I am shopping and I see baby stuff or if I see someone's cute baby, I will think of her. When I am not occupied with something to do, thoughts of her come to me. And it still hurts in my heart and tear floods my eyes. I try looking for books form people with similar experience but they are not readily available. I looked for people who share their stories online and came to this site:
http://community.babycenter.com/groups/a6716015/down_syndrome_loss
I guess this should be normal for grieving mothers. I read that this could go on for 1 year. Yeah, I think time will make it easier but I will never feel the same. It feels like there is an emptiness inside you that cannot be filled. With time the emptiness may grow smaller but it will never fully heal and I supposed this is how it will be.
After all these happenings, I am still thankful to Our Father in Heaven. It is better to have and to lose than never to have at all. It was better that I had 5 months and 9 days of her alive with me than lesser. It was better that I had experienced all the emotions and trails, all the doubts and hardship than not having seen the kindness that exist amongst family and friends. It was better that we learn that money really didn't mean more to us than precious human life. I have a lot to be thankful for. Even for the current suffering I am going through (nice writeup on Finding God in suffering). I know it is better that I am going through it than to live life in spiritual complacency. Lord God, help me and guide me to experience Your love in every circumstance and to fully surrender to Your will.
Friday, October 12, 2012
Getting On...
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| Pretty flowers... |
I still miss her often but it's not too hard now. Sometimes I wonder why God gave Emily to us only to take her away so quickly. But that's how God works, we can never really understand it with our limited capacity. Someone said to me, I still have 3 kids that need my attention. That may be true, but I still miss having a young baby. Even before Emily's passing, I had this thought of adopting a baby and my husband agreed too. So if the opportunity comes and a baby is in need of a family, we are opened to it.
I want to change because I had Emily in my life, I want to get more involved in anything that I can help out. Whether it's for charity or for Church. Next time, when there is a call for volunteers for a cause that I feel strongly about, I will take a step forward and offer my help. So I pray to our Heavenly Father, take me and guide me to do Your work. Amen.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Nearly One Month...
28th Sept: Almost 1 month has gone by since Emily departed from us. Things have fallen back to the same old routine as before her birth. I am not rushing as much and we are managing ok without any help. My kids are all sent to day-care and my MIL cooks dinner for us. So she is pretty relaxed now which is how it should be for her anyway.
I, of course, still miss Emily. I think of her everyday. Sometimes with great remorse and sorrow and sometimes with just a tinge of sadness. She was looking so healthy and recovering so well from her surgery that I had no way of knowing she was in danger. I keep asking myself and my hubby if I had done enough for her. But I also know that there was nothing I wouldn't do if I could, to save her.
I think I would go to her grave this Sunday again to put some lovely flowers on it. Emily, I know you are in heaven now and you can see us here. You are a saint now and I should be praying for your intercession. Please bring all your brothers and sister and papa and mommy to Our Heavenly Father's attention. Ask Our Father to have mercy on us, guide us and protect us from illness and harm. Help us to become faithful Christians and always walk in the rightful path. When we are lost, guide us back to the correct way so that we all may end up together with you in Heaven for eternity. I love you, Emily.
I, of course, still miss Emily. I think of her everyday. Sometimes with great remorse and sorrow and sometimes with just a tinge of sadness. She was looking so healthy and recovering so well from her surgery that I had no way of knowing she was in danger. I keep asking myself and my hubby if I had done enough for her. But I also know that there was nothing I wouldn't do if I could, to save her.
I think I would go to her grave this Sunday again to put some lovely flowers on it. Emily, I know you are in heaven now and you can see us here. You are a saint now and I should be praying for your intercession. Please bring all your brothers and sister and papa and mommy to Our Heavenly Father's attention. Ask Our Father to have mercy on us, guide us and protect us from illness and harm. Help us to become faithful Christians and always walk in the rightful path. When we are lost, guide us back to the correct way so that we all may end up together with you in Heaven for eternity. I love you, Emily.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Am I fine?
15th Sept: Yesterday, a colleague came by my office to see me while I was chatting happily with friends in the office. She gave me her condolences and a small envelope containing a card and a prayer book on grieving. The day before, in a video conferencing meeting with our UK colleagues, a lady asked about how my family was without knowing about my baby's recent demise. I told her that we lost our baby and that was a very awkward moment, more for the nice lady who asked that question. I felt bad for her. Earlier in the week, another colleague saw me at the car park while I was going home and came over to hug me. I just smiled and nodded as she gave some consoling words.
Through all these small happenings, I am reminded of Emily and the reality that she is no longer with me. I know all of them are well meaning but they gave me a sense of guilt. I am supposed to be in grief but I seem to be getting on with life fine.
Before I went back to work last week, I told myself I will allow myself to grief for a week. We will pray for Emily for a week and put her picture beside the altar for a week. And that was what we did, I did not think of anything but Emily and stare at her picture at home for long periods for a whole week. At the end of the week, we put her picture amongst the baby pictures of her other siblings and went to the cemetery with some pretty flowers.
The work week begun and I didn't know if I would be able to join my lunch buddies for lunch. Work kept me busy, I had lots of things to handle, so time passed easily. When lunch time came, I felt I was back to my old self and joined them for lunch, and did so for the rest of the week too. The conversations were our usual comical nonsense and I found myself joking and laughing. All the time, I felt self-conscious of being judged as a mother who has gotten over her baby's death all too quickly. I know of course none of this actually happened, it was just me thinking crazy stuff.
This morning, I started to replay the events that happened around her death in my head again. Thoughts of 'if I did this' and 'if we didn't do that she would still be alive' came to my mind. I imagined how it would be like if she is still here, she would be at that spot and I would be feeding her or playing with her at that moment.
This cycle of happy, guilty, sad for me may continue forever. It's probably not healthy and if I do not allow myself to feel the moment and to grief fully, I may always be feeling awful from time to time like this. Is there a way that parents can best do to cope with the lost of a child? I searched online and found this useful article:
http://www.athealth.com/consumer/disorders/parentalgrief.html
Most of what the article say is so true. I hope my hubby reads it too. You know, even now, I still cannot imagine how any parent can ever cope with the lost of a child and I JUST LOST A BABY. So that is how lost I am, I thought I am strong, but am I? I am just confused for the moment, I really don't know how to feel or think. But ultimately, I know what I need to achieve, i.e. as part of the conclusion of the article above stated and I quoted here:
But honestly, for all that has happened, I AM THANKFUL TO GOD ALMIGHTY. Many things could have been worse. I am thankful that we arranged for Emily's baptism earlier on. I am thankful that she died in my arms instead of someone else, that person could be traumatised for life! Most of all, without the belief that Emily is now at the BEST PLACE EVER and without the belief that GOD is ever merciful and loving towards everyone, including me, I think I would be in a worse condition that I am in now.
Through all these small happenings, I am reminded of Emily and the reality that she is no longer with me. I know all of them are well meaning but they gave me a sense of guilt. I am supposed to be in grief but I seem to be getting on with life fine.
Before I went back to work last week, I told myself I will allow myself to grief for a week. We will pray for Emily for a week and put her picture beside the altar for a week. And that was what we did, I did not think of anything but Emily and stare at her picture at home for long periods for a whole week. At the end of the week, we put her picture amongst the baby pictures of her other siblings and went to the cemetery with some pretty flowers.
The work week begun and I didn't know if I would be able to join my lunch buddies for lunch. Work kept me busy, I had lots of things to handle, so time passed easily. When lunch time came, I felt I was back to my old self and joined them for lunch, and did so for the rest of the week too. The conversations were our usual comical nonsense and I found myself joking and laughing. All the time, I felt self-conscious of being judged as a mother who has gotten over her baby's death all too quickly. I know of course none of this actually happened, it was just me thinking crazy stuff.
This morning, I started to replay the events that happened around her death in my head again. Thoughts of 'if I did this' and 'if we didn't do that she would still be alive' came to my mind. I imagined how it would be like if she is still here, she would be at that spot and I would be feeding her or playing with her at that moment.
This cycle of happy, guilty, sad for me may continue forever. It's probably not healthy and if I do not allow myself to feel the moment and to grief fully, I may always be feeling awful from time to time like this. Is there a way that parents can best do to cope with the lost of a child? I searched online and found this useful article:
http://www.athealth.com/consumer/disorders/parentalgrief.html
Most of what the article say is so true. I hope my hubby reads it too. You know, even now, I still cannot imagine how any parent can ever cope with the lost of a child and I JUST LOST A BABY. So that is how lost I am, I thought I am strong, but am I? I am just confused for the moment, I really don't know how to feel or think. But ultimately, I know what I need to achieve, i.e. as part of the conclusion of the article above stated and I quoted here:
What has happened (death of their child) to these parents has changed their lives; they will never see life the same way; they will never be the same people. As they attempt to move forward, bereaved parents realize they are survivors and have been strong enough to endure what is probably life's harshest blow. By addressing their grief and coping with it, they struggle to continue this journey while making this devastating loss part of their own personal history, a part of their life's story, a part of their very being.
For the moment, I am not losing it yet. I think it's bearable, albeit confusing. I still am able to take this emotional roller coaster ride. But if I don't feel better after a significant amount of time, I may look for a counselor for guidance. Or maybe a priest or a religious person.
But honestly, for all that has happened, I AM THANKFUL TO GOD ALMIGHTY. Many things could have been worse. I am thankful that we arranged for Emily's baptism earlier on. I am thankful that she died in my arms instead of someone else, that person could be traumatised for life! Most of all, without the belief that Emily is now at the BEST PLACE EVER and without the belief that GOD is ever merciful and loving towards everyone, including me, I think I would be in a worse condition that I am in now.
My Lord, God, help me through the months and even years to come. Guide me and mold me to be a changed person that love and trust YOU and YOUR plans. If YOU beat me down then please lift me up and make me wiser and make me more faithful to THEE. Amen.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Missing my baby...
10th Sept: I went back to work today, had lots of work, so kept me busy. It was an okay day, I managed to work well with no problem. I did get a few emails and people asking me how I am coping, I managed to give short and polite answers. On the way home from work, I thought to myself that I am getting back with life too quickly. I just lost Emily 9 days ago! After dinner, I watched the drama series at home and did not think of her. But as I was about to go to bed, I started to miss her again. Her chuckles when I tickle her, her smile when I move her legs in mock exercise. How she loved her bath time. Tears started to roll down my cheeks. I miss her dearly. I think I won't stop missing her for a long long time..
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Regrets
7th September 2012: Today is the 7th day of Emily's passing. We will attend the evening Mass today and the BEC/Zone members will be here for the last of the 7-day Rosary prayers tonight at our home. My hubby has started work after 4 days of compassionate leave. I took additional 2 days on top of my three days compassionate leave. I do not think I will be ready to face concerned colleagues who may asked about how I feel. I am afraid I may cry, and that wouldn't be very good in office. I don't know how things will be next week in office, but I have plenty of work to do. I hope I can keep myself busy with work and not think of Emily too much during work.
There are several honest confession that I want to make here. My real feelings and thoughts that I feel I should write down because I know parents facing the same issues as us will in some way or another have similiar feeling/thoughts and I just hope it helps them to know that they are not alone. I was there once too.
Honestly, during the few months of Emily's life here in this world, I have had thoughts on several occasions that if she was not born or if she did not survive her heart surgery, it would have been better than having her growing up and suffer discrimination, bullying and more health issues. I also had thoughts that if she out-survived us, her parents, who will be her fort, her dependency, how can she fend for herself? I feel like a bad mother for feeling this way and I quickly pushed these thoughts away. I asked my hubby if he had the same thoughts, he said never. And you know what, I believe him. He is not one who over-think things. He said the only thing he thought of was to create a small business (specifically, a convenience store) that we can pass down to her for her survival when we are too old to work or when we are gone from this world.
It never dawned on me that her life with us could be so short. We have had difficulty getting permanent help to care for her. Because of her heart condition and her syndrome, I understand that people will be reluctant to take care of her. I think my MIL reluctantly agreed to help us take care of her while my mum sympathised with us and helped in her care for a week at a time, several times over the months. We paid the agency some 4 months ago for a Filipino maid but she changed her mind at the last minute. We already applied for a new one and were to wait another 2 months but now there is not need of a maid anymore, we have cancelled the application. Sometimes, this feels like it has been planned.
Prior to her death, I was having a pro-longed bad cough (and still having it). I was coughing over a month. Seen doctors 3 times, tried the sensei's medication, tried all sorts of cough mixture but it stayed. It wasn't causing anything more that irritation to me. Although I never deliberately cough on Emily, I did not use mask or anything like that. I remember thinking to myself that it will be inconvenient and plus my 4 year old was also coughing so it would be pointless cause Emily will get the cough from someone else if not from me. I also thought that she needs to go through some coughs and colds in order to build up her immune system. There are lots of nasty microbes out there, she will need to have a better immune system to survive this world. When she finally got her cough a week plus ago, I knew it will take time to heal but I never thought that it will lead to her death. I am so so very sorry for that. I especially regret that after all her hardship, her long stay in hospitals, her open heart surgery which she survived, she succumbed to a cough. She was doing so well after her surgery, getting chubbier by the day from my EBM. I honestly, never thought it was such a serious cough. If I knew, believe me I would not have let this happened. When the doctors pronounced her dead in the hospital, I wailed uncontrollably and I keep saying it was my fault. I told my hubby it was my fault that she died, my hubby wouldn't let me think like that.
Now that she is gone, nothing would bring her back. I know that nothing can happen against GOD's will. There must be reasons why things turn out the way it is. The only consolation that makes my grief bearable is that she IS amongst the saints and angels in heaven now. That I am absolutely sure. And because of that I have no other choice but to make sure I can also go to heaven when my time comes so that I can see her again.
Emily, please forgive me for not being a good mum to you and caused you so much hardship. I would gladly take your place and suffer in your place, if I could. I hope you could feel our love for you throughout the months even though you were just a baby. Emily, I love you sooooo, sooooo much. Forgive me...
There are several honest confession that I want to make here. My real feelings and thoughts that I feel I should write down because I know parents facing the same issues as us will in some way or another have similiar feeling/thoughts and I just hope it helps them to know that they are not alone. I was there once too.
Honestly, during the few months of Emily's life here in this world, I have had thoughts on several occasions that if she was not born or if she did not survive her heart surgery, it would have been better than having her growing up and suffer discrimination, bullying and more health issues. I also had thoughts that if she out-survived us, her parents, who will be her fort, her dependency, how can she fend for herself? I feel like a bad mother for feeling this way and I quickly pushed these thoughts away. I asked my hubby if he had the same thoughts, he said never. And you know what, I believe him. He is not one who over-think things. He said the only thing he thought of was to create a small business (specifically, a convenience store) that we can pass down to her for her survival when we are too old to work or when we are gone from this world.
It never dawned on me that her life with us could be so short. We have had difficulty getting permanent help to care for her. Because of her heart condition and her syndrome, I understand that people will be reluctant to take care of her. I think my MIL reluctantly agreed to help us take care of her while my mum sympathised with us and helped in her care for a week at a time, several times over the months. We paid the agency some 4 months ago for a Filipino maid but she changed her mind at the last minute. We already applied for a new one and were to wait another 2 months but now there is not need of a maid anymore, we have cancelled the application. Sometimes, this feels like it has been planned.
Prior to her death, I was having a pro-longed bad cough (and still having it). I was coughing over a month. Seen doctors 3 times, tried the sensei's medication, tried all sorts of cough mixture but it stayed. It wasn't causing anything more that irritation to me. Although I never deliberately cough on Emily, I did not use mask or anything like that. I remember thinking to myself that it will be inconvenient and plus my 4 year old was also coughing so it would be pointless cause Emily will get the cough from someone else if not from me. I also thought that she needs to go through some coughs and colds in order to build up her immune system. There are lots of nasty microbes out there, she will need to have a better immune system to survive this world. When she finally got her cough a week plus ago, I knew it will take time to heal but I never thought that it will lead to her death. I am so so very sorry for that. I especially regret that after all her hardship, her long stay in hospitals, her open heart surgery which she survived, she succumbed to a cough. She was doing so well after her surgery, getting chubbier by the day from my EBM. I honestly, never thought it was such a serious cough. If I knew, believe me I would not have let this happened. When the doctors pronounced her dead in the hospital, I wailed uncontrollably and I keep saying it was my fault. I told my hubby it was my fault that she died, my hubby wouldn't let me think like that.
Now that she is gone, nothing would bring her back. I know that nothing can happen against GOD's will. There must be reasons why things turn out the way it is. The only consolation that makes my grief bearable is that she IS amongst the saints and angels in heaven now. That I am absolutely sure. And because of that I have no other choice but to make sure I can also go to heaven when my time comes so that I can see her again.
Emily, please forgive me for not being a good mum to you and caused you so much hardship. I would gladly take your place and suffer in your place, if I could. I hope you could feel our love for you throughout the months even though you were just a baby. Emily, I love you sooooo, sooooo much. Forgive me...
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Beautiful Images of Millie-girl
I am feeling better. I have been attending the daily morning Mass for the past few days at the suggestion of a BEC member and I vouch that it has worked wonders for me. I felt more at peace with myself. I have been sleeping better too. I got 5 hours sleep the night before and 8 hours last night.
Yesterday morning, we went to the cemetery to place some flowers on her grave. Cried at the sight of the little grave of hers. We will make a nice little concrete grave for her in a few months from now, after the ground has set. I was telling my hubby, we should visit her grave often so that we do not forget her. Planning to do so again this Saturday, exactly one week from her passing.
The prayers are still ongoing at our house every evening. The BEC/zone members are such wonderful people and we are so blessed to have them in our community. My hubby's godfather, big P, who is always the life of the party, is a big man with a even bigger heart. He has been here daily. Aunty A, the most lovely God-loving lady who treats me like one of her daughters, has been giving me lovely words of encouragement. And the many other BEC and zone members who have been so supportive even though we may not know each other so well. My close friend, A, who is also a Catholic but living in a different place, said that she should be joining her BEC activities after seeing how our BEC/Zone members have been so supportive to our family at these times. I hope she does that because, being a Christian is about community living, people unified by their faith and love for Christ and these people form the Church.
These few days, I also realised how wonderful my hubby is. I just told him, you are not a perfect man but you are a perfect husband for me. With him by my side, the burden of this whole difficulty journey I have traveled in the past few months and especially the last few days has been lightened by half. I guess it is the same for him too and that is what marriage is about, sharing everything... for better for worse...
I still stare at her picture near the altar at home for long periods. I talk to her picture and I cry. I am not ready to put thoughts of her away. After the 7 days prayers complete, I will put her picture amongst our family photos displayed in our house. I know when time passes, I will be able to talk fondly and proudly about her with family and friends, without the grief that I feel now. I am recalling all her special traits, her beautiful smile, her lovely laugh and her cute pout. I want these beautiful images of my Millie-girl (that was what I called her) engrained into my brain, of course the many pictures I took of her will help, lest my memory starts to fade.
And this blog which I started a few months back with the purpose of recording our journey with Emily will be fondly read from time to time to remember her by. A thought came to me 2 days ago, I think I should get this blog published into a booklet of something, so that I can share my experience with parents out there who may be facing difficult times like us. I hope that someone, even if it is just one person out there, find this helpful, it will be a worthy effort. I am not sure yet how this can be done, but I will try. I have a few more thoughts that I want to enter into this blog before I close it for good.
Yesterday morning, we went to the cemetery to place some flowers on her grave. Cried at the sight of the little grave of hers. We will make a nice little concrete grave for her in a few months from now, after the ground has set. I was telling my hubby, we should visit her grave often so that we do not forget her. Planning to do so again this Saturday, exactly one week from her passing.
The prayers are still ongoing at our house every evening. The BEC/zone members are such wonderful people and we are so blessed to have them in our community. My hubby's godfather, big P, who is always the life of the party, is a big man with a even bigger heart. He has been here daily. Aunty A, the most lovely God-loving lady who treats me like one of her daughters, has been giving me lovely words of encouragement. And the many other BEC and zone members who have been so supportive even though we may not know each other so well. My close friend, A, who is also a Catholic but living in a different place, said that she should be joining her BEC activities after seeing how our BEC/Zone members have been so supportive to our family at these times. I hope she does that because, being a Christian is about community living, people unified by their faith and love for Christ and these people form the Church.
These few days, I also realised how wonderful my hubby is. I just told him, you are not a perfect man but you are a perfect husband for me. With him by my side, the burden of this whole difficulty journey I have traveled in the past few months and especially the last few days has been lightened by half. I guess it is the same for him too and that is what marriage is about, sharing everything... for better for worse...
I still stare at her picture near the altar at home for long periods. I talk to her picture and I cry. I am not ready to put thoughts of her away. After the 7 days prayers complete, I will put her picture amongst our family photos displayed in our house. I know when time passes, I will be able to talk fondly and proudly about her with family and friends, without the grief that I feel now. I am recalling all her special traits, her beautiful smile, her lovely laugh and her cute pout. I want these beautiful images of my Millie-girl (that was what I called her) engrained into my brain, of course the many pictures I took of her will help, lest my memory starts to fade.
And this blog which I started a few months back with the purpose of recording our journey with Emily will be fondly read from time to time to remember her by. A thought came to me 2 days ago, I think I should get this blog published into a booklet of something, so that I can share my experience with parents out there who may be facing difficult times like us. I hope that someone, even if it is just one person out there, find this helpful, it will be a worthy effort. I am not sure yet how this can be done, but I will try. I have a few more thoughts that I want to enter into this blog before I close it for good.
Monday, September 3, 2012
Another hard day...
3rd Sept 2012: I did not sleep at all the night before, I tried but millions of thoughts were passing through my brain at the speed of light and I could feel the weight of it all between my brows. Guilt, regrets, scary thoughts, what I want to do in her remembrance, I don't know and so much more... I tried to imagine our Mother Mary's face so I can calm my mind, but it didn't worked. I think I didn't sleep at all. At 6.30 am, I got up and went to church for the 7 am daily Mass. That worked wonders, I felt better.
We went to register her death with JPN, it was completed by about 1.30pm. The Government Clinic nurse visited us for documents for their records. She was such a kind lady. I really appreciate the goodwill and kindness that I have witnessed in so many people be it in hospitals, clinics or any government agencies, etc. during these past months. I now have renewed faith in the goodness within people in general which I thought had disappeared from mankind.
A few of my colleagues and my hubby's visited at different times of the day. In the evening, we conducted the Day 3 prayers. By 10 pm, I was out cold. I managed a good 5 hours of sleep that night.
Emily, from where you are, watch over us. I don't want to ever forget you, I want to be transformed into a better Christian person because of you. Your life will not be in vain, I will make sure, with God's Grace, that I am better person because I had you in my life. I love you, my little Emily.
We went to register her death with JPN, it was completed by about 1.30pm. The Government Clinic nurse visited us for documents for their records. She was such a kind lady. I really appreciate the goodwill and kindness that I have witnessed in so many people be it in hospitals, clinics or any government agencies, etc. during these past months. I now have renewed faith in the goodness within people in general which I thought had disappeared from mankind.
A few of my colleagues and my hubby's visited at different times of the day. In the evening, we conducted the Day 3 prayers. By 10 pm, I was out cold. I managed a good 5 hours of sleep that night.
Emily, from where you are, watch over us. I don't want to ever forget you, I want to be transformed into a better Christian person because of you. Your life will not be in vain, I will make sure, with God's Grace, that I am better person because I had you in my life. I love you, my little Emily.
Final Journey
This happened yesterday, 2nd September (Sunday).
We were told to be at the Serdang Hospital morgue at 9 am this morning. It was a hard night to sleep the night before (Saturday). I constantly cried. I felt if I had done things differently, she would still be here. I know it is too late to cry over spilled milk, but I feel like I had not done enough. Have I not been a good enough mother to her? My heart ached and felt it weighed a tonne. I literally cried myself to sleep, I think managed 2 hours of sleep.
So we reached the morgue slightly before 9am. The whole process finished at about 11.30am and we were allowed to receive her body. The cause of death was stated at broncho pneumonia. Our BEC members have arranged with the funeral service people the night before and with a few calls of confirmation and they were there waiting with us since about 10am. My close friends also came to lend me support there.
I had prepared a dress which I bought her a few weeks ago. A pretty little light brown checked frock. She had finally grown to a size when I can start fitting her into nice little dresses which I had been buying for her but alas, she only got to wear this one. The funeral service people helped us dress her up in the morgue release room. I hesitated but with my hubby's reassurance that she looked fine, I finally gained courage to see her body in the room. She looked beautiful in the pretty dress and white lace socks, I touched and gave final kisses to her little cold and lifeless body and she was lifted into the little casket. We placed her favourite little pillow and a small key toy in it with her. And we left the morgue to go to the church.
We arrived with the casket about 15 mins to 1 pm. It was placed beside the church hall while waiting for the funeral service at 4pm. Prayers were said for her by BEC members and friends, even the group of Myanmar people having their gathering there offered prayers for her. My older children arrived with my brother-in-law and my sister-in-law and her children also came. My mum, brothers and sister-in-law reached about 3 pm, my friends and some BEC members were already there since earlier. We moved to the main church and by now more BEC members, friends, colleagues have arrived. I placed a small Lady of Perpetual help pendant which Father blessed and gave to us a few months ago when Emily was sick and hospitalised. At 4pm, my hubby carried her casket and with Father, followed by the my children and I and the rest of the congregation, we entered the church main hall. It was the most beautiful Mass, Father's homily after the Gospel reading, was the most beautiful one that I had ever heard from him. He depicted little Emily as the pretty tiny flower in a pot that GOD so loved, watched over and waited for and finally brought HOME with HIM. He said Emily through her 5 months of life (5 months and 9 days actually) has brought my family so much closer to each other and to GOD, she has brought together and affected so many BEC members.We witnessed this in the beautiful Mass which although was so hastily arranged, had seen so many people come together to make it such a beautiful one that my family and I are so very thankful and grateful for. I cried at his words, my 4 year old daughter asked me not to cry because Emily is in heaven.
The Mass ended, and hubby carried her casket to entrance of the church and everyone present blessed and looked at my peaceful and beautiful little baby before the casket was closed up and brought to the burial ground a short drive from the church. Father came and conducted the burial rites, hubby placed the casket into the dug grave. My boys put in handwritten messages for their little sister and witnessed by so many people, she was buried.
It was the most beautiful Mass and burial that I can ever imagined. Emily's final journey in this harsh world was a most beautiful one.
BEC members came to say Rosary prayers for Emily at our house and will continue to do so for 7 days from Saturday.
We were told to be at the Serdang Hospital morgue at 9 am this morning. It was a hard night to sleep the night before (Saturday). I constantly cried. I felt if I had done things differently, she would still be here. I know it is too late to cry over spilled milk, but I feel like I had not done enough. Have I not been a good enough mother to her? My heart ached and felt it weighed a tonne. I literally cried myself to sleep, I think managed 2 hours of sleep.
So we reached the morgue slightly before 9am. The whole process finished at about 11.30am and we were allowed to receive her body. The cause of death was stated at broncho pneumonia. Our BEC members have arranged with the funeral service people the night before and with a few calls of confirmation and they were there waiting with us since about 10am. My close friends also came to lend me support there.
I had prepared a dress which I bought her a few weeks ago. A pretty little light brown checked frock. She had finally grown to a size when I can start fitting her into nice little dresses which I had been buying for her but alas, she only got to wear this one. The funeral service people helped us dress her up in the morgue release room. I hesitated but with my hubby's reassurance that she looked fine, I finally gained courage to see her body in the room. She looked beautiful in the pretty dress and white lace socks, I touched and gave final kisses to her little cold and lifeless body and she was lifted into the little casket. We placed her favourite little pillow and a small key toy in it with her. And we left the morgue to go to the church.
We arrived with the casket about 15 mins to 1 pm. It was placed beside the church hall while waiting for the funeral service at 4pm. Prayers were said for her by BEC members and friends, even the group of Myanmar people having their gathering there offered prayers for her. My older children arrived with my brother-in-law and my sister-in-law and her children also came. My mum, brothers and sister-in-law reached about 3 pm, my friends and some BEC members were already there since earlier. We moved to the main church and by now more BEC members, friends, colleagues have arrived. I placed a small Lady of Perpetual help pendant which Father blessed and gave to us a few months ago when Emily was sick and hospitalised. At 4pm, my hubby carried her casket and with Father, followed by the my children and I and the rest of the congregation, we entered the church main hall. It was the most beautiful Mass, Father's homily after the Gospel reading, was the most beautiful one that I had ever heard from him. He depicted little Emily as the pretty tiny flower in a pot that GOD so loved, watched over and waited for and finally brought HOME with HIM. He said Emily through her 5 months of life (5 months and 9 days actually) has brought my family so much closer to each other and to GOD, she has brought together and affected so many BEC members.We witnessed this in the beautiful Mass which although was so hastily arranged, had seen so many people come together to make it such a beautiful one that my family and I are so very thankful and grateful for. I cried at his words, my 4 year old daughter asked me not to cry because Emily is in heaven.
The Mass ended, and hubby carried her casket to entrance of the church and everyone present blessed and looked at my peaceful and beautiful little baby before the casket was closed up and brought to the burial ground a short drive from the church. Father came and conducted the burial rites, hubby placed the casket into the dug grave. My boys put in handwritten messages for their little sister and witnessed by so many people, she was buried.
It was the most beautiful Mass and burial that I can ever imagined. Emily's final journey in this harsh world was a most beautiful one.
BEC members came to say Rosary prayers for Emily at our house and will continue to do so for 7 days from Saturday.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
In Ever Loving Memory...
I have not finished my post that I was writing on Thursday, I just posted it half-finished just now. Today is 1st September 2012, Saturday. Today is a day I wished a hundred things could be different. I wished I had done things that I didn't, I wished I had been wiser, if only I knew...
1st September 2012, is by far the hardest day ever in my life. Today, my baby Emily stopped breathing in my arms. It's been a surreal day. I am still not completely in terms with the fact that I have lost her, my lovely princess Emily darling, for good. My brain is not thinking much, it's pretty empty now. Tired, my heart seems to have sunk very low at the moment.
My good Lord, please have mercy on her soul, bring and keep her with You in heaven. My Emily, mummy is sorry for bringing you to this world and causing you so much suffering for the short 5+ months of your life. We will never forget you, we will love you always and forever. We will meet again one day, I LOVE YOU, I AM SORRY.............
1st September 2012, is by far the hardest day ever in my life. Today, my baby Emily stopped breathing in my arms. It's been a surreal day. I am still not completely in terms with the fact that I have lost her, my lovely princess Emily darling, for good. My brain is not thinking much, it's pretty empty now. Tired, my heart seems to have sunk very low at the moment.
My good Lord, please have mercy on her soul, bring and keep her with You in heaven. My Emily, mummy is sorry for bringing you to this world and causing you so much suffering for the short 5+ months of your life. We will never forget you, we will love you always and forever. We will meet again one day, I LOVE YOU, I AM SORRY.............
On Thursday
Emily is 5 months plus a week old today. She is having a cough and making her more cranky. She got the cough from me, unfortunately. I couldn't cure my cough which has been going on for more than a month now. So sorry to see her coughing, feeding her medicine is also very hard, she will spurt it out most of the time. It's a hard week, MIL overly worried and hubby said we should take care of her ourselves, so I had to take 2 days off and hubby, 1. Luckily Friday is a holiday, so save one day leave. Next Monday will be her check up at Paeds in Hospital. If she is not better then, the Paediatrician can check her again. Hopefully, it won't turn into something serious.
I have checked out Kiwanis Foundation, printed out the forms required for Emily to join in. From my phone enquiry to the centre, looks like for infants, the therapy is weekly while for toddlers is 3 times per week. I am not sure yet how this will work out because I don't know if they conduct the therapy on weekends or weekdays. How will we manage if they only have it on week days? Both of us work, so I really don't know.
I have checked out Kiwanis Foundation, printed out the forms required for Emily to join in. From my phone enquiry to the centre, looks like for infants, the therapy is weekly while for toddlers is 3 times per week. I am not sure yet how this will work out because I don't know if they conduct the therapy on weekends or weekdays. How will we manage if they only have it on week days? Both of us work, so I really don't know.
Friday, August 10, 2012
Heartfelt Thank You!
We had our IJN check up 3 months post operation. The doctor said that the 2 holes in her heart have been fully closed. Thank God! But he did mention that a valve maybe leaky and will check if any swelling will happen to her heart, so far her heart looks normal. If no complications happens, this leaky valve may not need any intervention. Anyways, he will see Emily again in 3 more months.
We also went to Serdang Hospital to get appointments to check her eyesight and her hearing. We will have more appointments in September.
Looking back at how she was right after surgery and her now, it's a huge transformation that can only be possible with God's grace. Reflecting back, I am really grateful for the many kind gestures, words, prayers and thoughts by so many of our friends and relatives. I want to write this now so that I will never forget the kindness of so many and particularly a few that I will mention. In order to respect their privacy, I will only give their initials. You know people are often forgetful, I don't want to forget this ever.
I am really thankful to SN, she has taken so much time and effort to come cheer me up when I am stuck in Hospitals. I know she did so because of her long struggle with her dad's illness when she spent huge amount of time in Hospitals too. So I think she feels strongly about providing support to friends who have loved ones in hospitals. At these hard times, friends being there for you not only lend you a listening ear but also provide you comfort and hope. SN always got more close friends along and they will visit me for hours at the Hospitals just to chat. Thank you PY, AH, KK for spending sometimes hours with me in the most uncomfortable of places. Thank you SC and AL for your kind concern eventhough we were not keeping in touch for some time.
I was very touched by the kind gestures of NH, he took his own money to offer prayers during the times when we need divine help. Even offered to help with medical expenses. I am pleasantly surprise that he has a heart of gold though he doesn't necessarily display this out. Your thoughts are enough, thank you. My other colleagues for taking time to visit.
Also I am very pleased with the doctors and nurses at the hospitals. Their services are marvellous and they are very friendly, much improved from years ago. The nurses especially are very under appreciated. Their jobs are really like those of angels, thank you to each and everyone of you.
There are the church people who has shown us much concern and given their prayers for Emily unselfishly. The parish priest for taking time to hear us and the trouble to perform her baptism in the hospital.
My family members, my mum and MIL for helping out with the older kids while we are dealing with this. Aunty S for visiting us eventhough we have not seen each other for years.
I may be strong willed but these show of kindness from so many still means a whole lot to me and my hubby. At times of needs, we are able to see uncommon kindness that enhances friendships and kinships. I never want to forget this.
Emily is so much improved with the grace of the Almighty. My great friends and families played significant roles in helping us cope. THANK YOU!
We also went to Serdang Hospital to get appointments to check her eyesight and her hearing. We will have more appointments in September.
Looking back at how she was right after surgery and her now, it's a huge transformation that can only be possible with God's grace. Reflecting back, I am really grateful for the many kind gestures, words, prayers and thoughts by so many of our friends and relatives. I want to write this now so that I will never forget the kindness of so many and particularly a few that I will mention. In order to respect their privacy, I will only give their initials. You know people are often forgetful, I don't want to forget this ever.
I am really thankful to SN, she has taken so much time and effort to come cheer me up when I am stuck in Hospitals. I know she did so because of her long struggle with her dad's illness when she spent huge amount of time in Hospitals too. So I think she feels strongly about providing support to friends who have loved ones in hospitals. At these hard times, friends being there for you not only lend you a listening ear but also provide you comfort and hope. SN always got more close friends along and they will visit me for hours at the Hospitals just to chat. Thank you PY, AH, KK for spending sometimes hours with me in the most uncomfortable of places. Thank you SC and AL for your kind concern eventhough we were not keeping in touch for some time.
I was very touched by the kind gestures of NH, he took his own money to offer prayers during the times when we need divine help. Even offered to help with medical expenses. I am pleasantly surprise that he has a heart of gold though he doesn't necessarily display this out. Your thoughts are enough, thank you. My other colleagues for taking time to visit.
Also I am very pleased with the doctors and nurses at the hospitals. Their services are marvellous and they are very friendly, much improved from years ago. The nurses especially are very under appreciated. Their jobs are really like those of angels, thank you to each and everyone of you.
There are the church people who has shown us much concern and given their prayers for Emily unselfishly. The parish priest for taking time to hear us and the trouble to perform her baptism in the hospital.
My family members, my mum and MIL for helping out with the older kids while we are dealing with this. Aunty S for visiting us eventhough we have not seen each other for years.
I may be strong willed but these show of kindness from so many still means a whole lot to me and my hubby. At times of needs, we are able to see uncommon kindness that enhances friendships and kinships. I never want to forget this.
Emily is so much improved with the grace of the Almighty. My great friends and families played significant roles in helping us cope. THANK YOU!
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